Onefinemess

Caveat: I enjoyed the movie, toxicly, dangerously, stupidly, rotundly horrid as the script was.  How?  Because people punched each other.  With super powers.

So, let’s get this out of the way – this is one of the worst scripts I can remember seeing visualized:   scenes make no sense in connections to other scenes, characters have motivations so thin a pebble of baby shit would crush them, and the few bright spots of writing there are don’t involve any dialogue at all.

Scene-by-scene, as I can remember:

1. The opening was actually nice, and would have made for a good movie by itself.  Seriously.
2. There is NO reason, in the context of this movie, for Wolverine to be called “Logan”.  In the comics, Logan was the last name of Dog’s father (Dog->Victor in the movie).  In the movie, that dude’s last name is obviously “Creed” (because Wolverine calls his nemesis alternately Victor & Creed), and Wolverine/James’s dad’s name is “Howlett”. So. Fuck you #1.
3. Without any interaction during the opening scenes, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense why James would stick with someone he’s obviously so different from – he has zero problems ending their relationship when Victor is about to kill the dude in Africa.
4. The Vietnam scene was stupid too – Victor is going to rape someone, then he freaks out and attacks a commanding officer? K.  I guess James just didn’t catch that part or the relationship would have been over sooner I guess?
5. The Africa scene. SERIOUSLY?  Some fucktard hack screenwriter just wrote this scene (and most of the others) to show how badass the characters were.  Each one (except James & Victor) had a stupid solo moment where they used their powers, when anyone ONE of them could have completed the entire mission alone. STUPID.  Oh, and the Blob special effects bit – you know some producer (?) shot their wad when they realized how cheaply they could shoot it : “dude puts his fist in tank cannon – nothing happens!!! AWESOME!!!!”
6. Yes, Wade Wilson is cool/funny.  But I’m really not big on the killing indescriminately part.  I guess technically him and Agent Zero both have the same powers too – super agility?  Because “deflecting bullets with a sword” is not a super power.
7. The Agent Zero showoff scene was dumb too – no one can hit a moving target? Really?  He still has to pull the trigger you know.
8. The adamantium recovery in Africa scene.  “It’s cool Wolverine, we’ll let you walk off, knowing what you know.  See ya.”
9. Oh, and don’t get me started on James acting like he had a bond with Wraith & Blob later in the movie, when they went on one goddam mission together.  They knew each other for LIKE ONE DAY.
10. “Kayla Silver Fox”.  The Native American who looks white, and has a blonde haired blue eyed sister.  Uh huh.  Seriously people, it’s not like there are many roles out there for Natives as it is. Get a fucking clue.
11. Aforementioned bitch’s “death”.  Seriously.  Cuz, you know, Wolverine knows what blood smells like.  And there weren’t any cuts on her so.  Yeah.  Did I miss something here?

OK, it’s been a few days, and I’ve forgotten a bunch, but here’s a few more:

1. The scene where Logan finds out that Silver Fox is still alive, etc.  All that crazy bitching about how Stryker was going to kill him and then he lets him just walk out? MMM kay.  Nevermind that Logan would have picked up the extra sweat/stress in her scent and realized she was under pressure. Oh wait, except that this Wolverine is retarded.
2. Reborn Deadpool has way too many powers to be interesting in a sequel.  Oh wait, he wasn’t interesting in this movie either.
3. Stryker’s PLAN was actually to shoot up Logan’s memories?  REALLY?  That was his stupid PLAN to save himself.  Then again, whatever. BUT HOW DO YOU HIT THE RIGHT ONES?  Maybe you just make him forget the first time he wet the bed, then he shoves his claws through your fucking skull.  Oh, double wait, Wolverine killed exactly zero persons in this movie.  Ok wait, he sort of killed someone named “Zero” (who had just shot to death two innocent old people), so I guess that counts.
4. Eh, I forget.
5. The script  sucked gigantic roasted whale testes, did I mention that?
6. ?

So yeah, script bad, movie somehow entertaining because the action barely kept it going.  Which I’M SURE is what they intended.  No one could not realize that was logicFAILriddled trash.  But come on.  Respect us a little.

Tags: horrible writing, Wolverine movie

This entry was posted by onefinemess on Monday, May 18th, 2009 at 9:55 pm and is filed under Movie Review. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.