Onefinemess

OK people, here’s the deal: I’ve had to read this book to Z about 2 million times so far, and besides wanted to burn it in an unholy inferno, I also want to track down the writer and editor and accidentally knock them into the same glorious blaze.  Why?

Because I’m anal.  I know, I know,  books for kids don’t have to be perfect – but they should make some kind of vague effort, right?  Especially one from such an illustrious (…or not) franchise as this one.

So, I’m presenting here the entire text of the book (hopefully not breaking any laws since I’m not providing the pictures, and since this is uh… artistic something or other), along with my editing suggestions and general commentary.

You may or may not find this amusing, but let it stand as a warning:

Read a book 10 or 15 times out loud in the store before you buy it.
Or else.
-God

Also, this is just a first pass done in anger by a guy with no editorial training.  I’m sure if they spent some actual money on this, the result would be more kid friendly and less damaging to adults.

Line breaks are for page breaks.
My correction suggestions are in bold, my random notes are in red italics.
Your imagination will have to provide the visuals of me digging my eyes out.

———————————————————————————————-

This is George.
He was a good little monkey and always very curious.
Today George and his friend the man with the yellow hat joined Mrs. Gray and her class on their field trip to the fire station.
Everything’s good so far – monkey goes on field trip with class, got it.  Fire station – lots of things to learn there, sounds good!  Although, “good little monkey” and “curious” do seem like an odd juxtaposition…

The fire chief was waiting for them right next to a big red fire truck.  “Welcome!” he said, and he led everyone upstairs to begin the tour.
Whu wha?  He didn’t even bother to explain what a fire truck is, or what it does?  K!

There was a kitchen with a big table, and there were snacks for everyone.  The fire chief told them all about being a firefighter.  George tried hard to pay attention, but there were so many things for a little monkey to explore.  Like that shiny silver gold pole in the corner…
Where did that pole go?  George was curious.
The pole is BLATANTLY GOLD, not silver. Yes, it is stripper pole colored.
Why put ellipsis there?  USUALLY the book puts them at the end of a page, and it sort of makes sense in that you ask it and the child thinks about it while you turn the page.  In this case, it’s right in the middle of the page.
Oh, and note that it doesn’t say jack shit about what a fireman actually does.  As far as the kids listening know, they feed you apples and lead you from one room until the next.  Sure, you find out more later, but if the dude is supposedly talking about it – he might as well talk about it.  Also, we’re never told or shown that George eats an apple, but later we’re assumed to know this.

Why, it went back downstairs!  There was the great big fire truck.  There was  also a map of the city. Aand there was a whole wall full of coats and hats and big black boots!
What am I?  A stereotypical 80 year old granny?  Hell, I don’t even think grannies talk like this anymore.  Let’s not teach our kids idiotic and nonfunctional, dated grammar k?
You didn’t mention that the fire truck was “great big” before, just “big”, so it doesn’t really fly with the definite article here.
Let’s try to avoid starting sentences with “and” too ok?  I know, I know, “real” writers can do it in “real” book – but neither of those cases apply here.

George had an idea.  First, he stepped into a pair of boots.
Next, he picked out a helmet.
And, finally, George put on a jacket.
He was a firefighter!
Suddenly … BRRRIINNGG!
Really?  Ellipsis after “suddenly” ??? No.  They are doing conflicting things here, mmk?

The firefighters all rushed in.
“This is not my helmet!” said one.
“My boots are too big!” said another.
“Hurry!  Hurry!” called yelled the fire chief.  A bright red light on the map of the city told him just where the fire was.  There was no time to waste!
He’s like 5 feet away from them, “calling” makes no sense.  And WTF is up with “just where the fire was” – again with the granny text!  The book is copyright 2004 and only on the 3rd printing – so, MODERNIZE BITCHES!
Also, note that they tell us that “all” of the firefighters are present.  I think this is pretty important…considering they leave a teacher and a man who wears yellow latex and has a pet monkey in a fire station with a bunch of kids and no supervision!

One by one, the firefighters jumped into the fire truck.
And so did George jumped in after them!
Yeah, that construction is just awkward after a “one by one” anyway, not to mention the whole starting a sentence with “and” again…  You like how I followed their style of sticking an exclamation point at the end of non-dialogue?  Description can yell too!!

The fire truck with all the firefighters sped out of the firehouse.
And so did George hung on tight!
The siren screamed and the lights flashed.
What. The.  Deuce.  George sped out of the firehouse?  Under his own power?  Uh-uh, George did jack shit as far as speeding goes, that little bitch rode the fire truck like everyone else.  Also, note that they pointed out that all the firefighters are in the truck again – even though a car full of firefighters is clearly visible following them.  Artists and writers – you know it’s ok to talk to each other right? *FACEPALM*

The truck turned right.  Then it turned left.
“WHOO WHOO WHOO” went the whistle, and George held on tight.
Wow, exciting stuff there, turning right and left.  *yawn*  Z does like the whistle sound though.  Probably just because I’m an awesome whoo whoo-er.  They really could have just put in a few more lines of truck noises, or maybe oh, I don’t know, mentioned that the truck was driving to the fire?

Soon the fire truck and all the firefighters pulled up to a pizza parlor on Main Street.  Smoke was coming out of a window in the back, and a crowd was gathering in the street.
“Thank goodness you’re here!” cried said the cook.
Again with telling us that the children are relatively unsupervised in a fire station full of powerful hoses, axes, rubber clothing and two potentially questionable adults.

The firefighters rushed off the truck and started unwinding their hoses.  They knew just what to do.  And George was ready to help. George climbed the hose reel, pausing briefly defecate on the side of the truck.
He climbed up the hose reel …
“They knew just what to do?”  WHICH WAS WHAT?  If you’re not going to show me (which they don’t – whatever the fire men do is off scene) then PLEASE, PLEASE tell me!
Also note that the firemen (and women!) are running out the door with the wrong gear on, or no gear at all – I’m guessing that would get them fired and/or seriously injured.  K!

One of the firefighters saw George trying to help getting in the way, and so he took George by the arm and led him out of the way away from the truck.
“A fire is no place for a monkey!” he said to George.   “You stay here where it’s safe.”
George felt terrible.
Why did George feel terrible?  What is a child supposed to take from this?

George sat on the bench and looked around.  Next to him on the ground was a bucket full of balls.  George reached in and took one out.  It fit in his hand just right, like the apple he’d had for a snack.
Um.  You probably shouldn’t reach into strange buckets of balls.  Especially ones left alone next to a park bench.  Note the reference to the apple snack we didn’t realize George had – and the extreme oddness of saying how well it fit his hand.

A little girl was watching George.  He tried to give her the ball, but she was too frightened.
George took another ball. And, then another.
“Look,” a boy said. , “T that monkey is juggling!”
Just bad formatting and awkward sentences.

The boy took a ball from the cage and tossed it to George, but it went too high.
George climbed scrambled up onto the fire truck to get it.
Ok, this one always blows my mind – because I’m simple like that.  THERE IS NO CAGE!  It’s totally like the Matrix and shit.  Also, “George climbed” has no kind of sense of speed, you couldn’t just amble your way up a truck and still manage to catch a flying ball!

Now George had four balls to juggle.  He threw the balls higher and higher.  He juggled with his hands.  He juggled with his feet.  He could do all kinds of tricks!
It seems for something like “all kinds of tricks”, one would need to do more than two variations on a single trick.

The boy threw another ball to George.  George threw a ball back to the boy.  The little girl reached down and picked up a ball, too.  Soon all the children were throwing and catching, back and forth.
Annoying, but better than most of the other pages.

The fire chief came to tell everyone that the fire was out.  Just then, the little girl laughed and said, “Look, Mommy–a fire monkey!”
Something weird about the story is the mysterious pair of mother and daughter on the park bench.  Instead of oh, I don’t know – taking her daughter somewhere else!  The mother casually sits on the bench and lets her daughter watch a fire.  Now, true this is probably exactly what would happen in real life – but you want to at least try to teach kids the smart thing right?

“Hey!” called the fire chief.  “What are you doing up there?”
“What a wonderful idea,” the little girl’s mother said to the fire chief. , “B bringing this brave little monkey to help children when they’re frightened.”
“Oh,” the fire chief said.  “Well, er, thank you.”
I guess I’ll let “called” fly here, since he’s more than 5 feet from the monkey. The writers (evidently it took two – one must be the illustrator, I hope.  Then again, maybe it’s all random cut and paste, that would make sense too) really need to work on their dialogue formatting.

Before long the fire truck was back at the After putting out the fire, george and the firemen climbed back onto the truck and rode back to the firehouse., where When they arrived, a familiar voice called, “George!”  It was the man with the yellow hat.
“This little monkey had quite an adventure,” said one of the firefighters.
“Is everyone all right?” asked Mrs. Gray.
“Before long”!?  Again with the bizarrogrannyworld terms.  Also, when you use “before long” it needs some kind of a preexisting condition that would uh, I dunno, imply that something was happening to predicate the situation that occurs afterwards.  I’m not going to try and come up with a sentence though, because just thinking about using it gives me the Alzheimers.
Also, they passed up a great chance to use a semicolon!  For shame.

“Yes, it was just a small fire,” said the fire chief.  “And George was a big help.”
Now the field trip was coming to an end.
But there was one more treat in store…
Now it was time to go, so Mrs. Gray started rounding up the children.  Just as she wrestled the last axe away from a bleeding child  the fire chief stopped her – he had one more treat!
Really?  Just a small fire?  Then why did you take the entire fucking fire crew?  Is that SOP?  Maybe it is… probably not when a bunch of school children are running around in your firehouse though. Those last two sentences are just so awkward. Mine aren’t much better, but at least they look like I finished high school.

All t The children got to take a ride around the neighborhood on the shiny red fire truck, and they all got their very own fire helmet.  Even George!  And it was just the right size for a brave little monkey.
Yeah, I could have done more here, but can’t bear to look at the words anymore.

Tags: bad editing, Curious George

This entry was posted by onefinemess on Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 at 10:34 pm and is filed under Book Review, Books, Children's Books, family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.