Onefinemess

Hulk 600 was indeed, horrible.  Mind-blowingly so.  Jeph Loeb may be the Greg Land of writing.  Harsh, I know.  It’s not a completely accurate comparison, as he doesn’t exactly “trace” his plots – I suspect he uses the Burroughs cut-up technique, albeit unintentionally and in a complete art-fail.  I suspect he has a pile of notecards on his desk with ideas he had when he was 7: “Hulk punches Jesus”, “Hulk turns Red”, “dog explodes in shower in magazines”, “Hulk flies”, “Hulk teleports”, “Dr. Jekyll cameo”, “Hulk uses giant gun to shoot guy he could beat up without gun”, “girl cries about Bosnia”, “Hulk hides in the shadows of parking garage a la Deep Throat”…really I couldn’t even imagine.  But he just shuffles those up and “writes” them how they fall.  That’s what it feels like anyway.

He’ll probably feel horrible when he reads that I know, maybe he’ll retire from comics forever, eyes full of tears?  Alas, but we can dream.

Seriously.  There was no angle under which the lead story in this book made sense.  Especially not for a “600th” issue (ignoring all the Hulk #ing madness).  Sure, sure, wait and see Marvel says, it will make sense later – who the fuck cares when you’re expected to pay for something NOW?  Not that I did – not worth $1 let alone $5.  Spider-Man 600, while written pretty poorly, was a better example of how a 600th issue should – Thor & Captain America even moreso.

Oh right, the actual plot.  Umm.  It was hard to find.  People acted totally out of character, people appeared out of nowhere, and continuity was anally and orally raped in ways only the Rapist Hulk (“Rulk” for short) can.  Like, when did this take place, just for starters?  At first I thought it was right after WWH, because then the Banner without powers might make sense…but, um.. no.  It … happened in “comic time” in the truest sense of the word – absolutely nowhen, yet the reader is expected to somehow make sense of everything anyway.  I hear Pak is coming back on 601 – wow will that be like night and day.  If only he could abandon all this Rapist Hulk bullshit, but no, I’m sure he’s gotta run with it. ARRGGHHH.  Oh, and in addition to a new Hulk,  there’s a new She-Hulk coming soon too.   Not that we didn’t just get a 2nd She-Hulk.

Oh sweet Hulk-Jesus, when will it end?

Look, Marvel, I know you love the taste of Loeb’s junk, or something, or maybe you think he’s cool because he’s got Hollywood connections.  Look, here’s the thing, it’s a LOT EASIER TO BE A SHITTY WRITER IN HOLLYWOOD than it is in comics.  In Hollywood you have “writing teams” who can take all your fucking idiotic ideas and turn them into something more palatable – this is not happening with Hulk.  Do that.

No, I did not buy this comic.  Although then I would have been able to burn it.  I may still do that, maybe that will release the demons.

OH.  Oh.  Here’s some random Loeb Logic for you:  a team made up of people who wear red.  The trick here is that they were ALREADY WEARING RED – it’s not a team dress code or anything!  Wow Jeph I heart your brainhole!   Oh wait, the Punisher is wearing black.  Ohh, even his fail logic has inherent fail.   W T>.ARGH F.  Please stop, you make my brain die.  Besides, he already established that RapingHulk can beat up anything and everything, why would he need a team including a guy who just has a gun.  ARREDPDR *POPSPLODE*

Tags: Hulk, Jeff Loeb is the Greg Land of writing

This entry was posted by onefinemess on Monday, July 27th, 2009 at 10:00 am and is filed under Comics, pullbox. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.