There are lots of places to get fake tans in the Portland area. Because, you know, you won’t stand out at all in a city where THERE IS NO SUN 9+ months a year you have no sun. Here’s some random info about the history of sunless tanning (and the tanning fad in general).

Basically, lazy people who don’t actually work in the sun want to look like they do – ok, not exactly, BUT what the want is the natural result of being in the sun for long periods (historically the result of WORKING, but in the last 100 years those with time to spare (read: non-poor) have taken to languishing in the sun for whatever reason. But take the term “farmer tan” – a sort of condescending term, implying that one’s tan is similar to one actually gained from work – and thus uncool.

I don’t know if the previous paragraph makes sense, but the whole thing is funny/annoying to me.

But throw out everything and what you’re left with is that it is trendy to look dark (But not too dark! People with naturally dark/brown skin are scary! They will take your jobs and your women!). It is trendy and therefore people do it. People will take the path of least time (and often correspondingly most money). Even laying out in the sun all day actually takes time and *gasp* they don’t have that – time should be spent driving around in a hurry on a cell phone!

What really gets me is when people “tan” to like the nth degree and they look fucking orange. And they think this is hot. I mean, sure “hot” is subjective and all, but who the fuck thinks orange (and I’ve seen MUCH worse in real life, that’s just something that came up on the first google page) is hot? Well, them obviously I guess. And guys in general will fuck anything with a clear pathway to the funhole, orange or not. And Portland always has a decent amount of oranginas at any given point of the year. I mean, really, what are you supposed to think when you see them? “OH, they’ve obviously spent the last 4 months blasting their skin off on their yacht in the Caribbean!” I guess.

And it’s not like you could even CLAIM it is natural around here. At least lazy ass people in Cali who bakey bakey can try and be sly about it and pretend they were actually out in the sun (although of course they weren’t *gasp* working in it! That would be tacky! The work that is.). But here…no, no and NYET.

I guess it’s interesting that pale skin used to be the status symbol and now it’s flipped around. Oh, and don’t get me wrong, a tanned body can be HOT. But fake tan? You look nasty. But “Wait!” you say “I’m sure fake tans will eventually be indistinguishable from real tans!” Well, don’t you worry your pretty little orange head; I’m sure you’ll give me another reason to laugh at you.

Whatever, it’s annoying.

H. (P.?)

Christ.

Those kids are annoying.

A few weeks ago I was walking somewhere to find some food on my lunchbreak, and one of them turns around and starts pissing. He’s standing on the sidewalk, right behind a hotdog or some other bullshit vendor. Right on the side of the fucking courthouse. Or whatever it is – the thing immediately east of the square. His friend notices me staring (from across the street) and starts yelling “Stop looking!”. (He’s yelling it in that really retarded way urchins do when they want attention. Like 1/4 sing-songy, 1/2 down syndrom, and 1/4 directed at everyone but who they are actually yelling at so they can get everyone attention but make it look like they didn’t want it). Why? So he can PISS on the fence IN PRIVACY? In one of the busiest sections of downtown Portland? Fucking idiots. I just kind of stared for a while then moved along. You’d think I would know better, but people’s stupidity and lack of decency still amazes me. Don’t get me wrong, I understand some of how their values got they way they did (one piece: having not worked for any kind of property/ownership/achievement, how can one know the value of such?), but that in no way excuses anything they do in the least.

The same day, another one of them had a begging sign that said something like “Since you’re in my bedroom, can I bum some change?” Or something to that effect. Wow. Yeah, the street is totally your bedroom.  I mean, ok yeah it is where you sleep, but…whatever, you get the picture.  Plus, what is the logical connection between being in someone’s bedroom and giving them money?  Are we talking about a whore so trashy that she (or he if it’s a man-whore) bring business home??

I mean, I can’t stand beggars in general, but the Portland Urchins are some of the most obnoxious. Maybe because some of them seem to have a dress code? I think I’ll call it: “dirty, dirty, metal punk goth”. Because they act so entitled to things like pissing on the streets?

I’ve heard others say we/Portland attract so many urchins from around the country because of the generous amount of free food/soup kitchen type things we have. I have no knowledge of this, because I’m just not that in to local politics. Whatever the reason…maybe we need cut back for a while. Or just conscript them into the military or some kind of labor force.

They were especially bad in LA, but there are plenty of them here as well.   I love people who have giant dogs in small apartments/condos/other things with no yard/etc.  They largely fall into the group under discussion.

I had an idea about starting a website that just posts pictures of people who don’t clean up after their dogs.  I may still do that someday, if I ever get really motivated, and have the kind of time required to sit around with a camera catching these things.

In conclusion: If you take your dog for a walk, PICK UP THE SHIT!  Also, if you don’t have one, you really should consider moving to someplace with a yard, or giving your dog to someone with a yard.

This is by no means everyone – in fact most people that I encounter in my day to day like are fucking sick of bikers cutting them off, bikers blocking car lanes when they should be in the bike lane, or just doing generally annoying things. A personal pet peeve of mine is when they occupy the left turning lanes – like on NW 23rd Southbound @ Burnside. I think it’s a hill or something, but the point is they are GODDAM SLOW accelerating uphill – by the time they get their little legs going and are about halfway to the other lane, the light changes. Really annoying. I used to sit behind bikers like that all the time when Jen worked in that area & I dropped her off. Seriously, use the fucking crosswalk. You’ll probably get across faster anyway.

But, wait it’s legal for them to do that stuff in Portland you say. Yes, it is, or so I hear. I’m not all up on the laws, but from what I hear, bikes can basically pretend to be cars here and it’s ok. My point is just that it’s annoying (get it: I’m Bitching!).

Pro-bike lobbyists always act surprised when a biker gets killed too. Now, it’s a horrible tragedy when people die in accidents BUT when that accident is easily preventable it’s somewhat less of a tragedy, because someone was just being stupid. It’s a tragedy for the non-stupid party (whether they are the dead or living). Of course I can’t say all these accidents are caused by stupid bikers, I’m sure there are stupid drivers too…but certain cases of very large vehicles making right turns and bikers trying to zoom by them…well – THEY CAN’T SEE YOU!

I’m sure it’s all part of the whole androgyny rebellion thing, but it annoys me.

I mean, in general I’m 92% function over form. IE if something isn’t comfy I ain’t gonna wear it. And that shit looks uncomfortable. (note that the only pic I could find is not particularly bad, the shit I see people wearing on the street here looks penis-smashingly-painful). In general women (and effeminate gay men of course) seem to be almost the exact reverse of me – like 85-95% form and 5-15% function.

I have definitely worn clothes I liked for “the look”, but I’ll guarantee you they were comfortable.  I’ve worn some ugly-ass crazy/silly shit.  But it was all comfortable.  Even three layers of flannel and tacky-holey jeans…yes, I too have been sucked onto the trend wagon.  The difference is I was 12, and these guys are 18-30…

So I’m amused by the whole “metro” thing I guess, masculine (not necessarily straight) guys cashing in their “man”/comfort chips for things that are incredibly uncomfortable just to look a certain way (which I think looks stupid). Of course, this is almost always present in fads, but this is just the latest of many (don’t think I’ve forgotten about you pants-at-knees-underwear-hanging-out-guys!!!) that especially annoy me for what I’m sure are highly irrational reasons.

I know the ultimate goal for the pantswearer is to attract a female of the same pantswearing genus, but I have to wonder why you’d want a female who’s only into you because of the way you look.  I’ve always felt this way about women over-dressing too, but hey, they are nice to look at ;).  Perhaps it’s because it symbolizes the pantswearing female is into the same stuff as you?  But maybe she’s just into that to attract a male too…does she have opinions of her own, or are those dictated by the pants as well?  If you’re both living in a pants-driven lifestyle, will your complete trendsuckingness be the only thing you truly share in common?  Will it be enough?

Maybe women appreciate the stupid tight pants, and it’s some kind of generational payback.  If so, then I’m glad those gullible emoindie kids are paying the painful walking price and not I.

…

That guy’s shoes are hella dumb too. I’ve worn pointy toed shoes for a dress-up occasion or two and I can tell you that shit ain’t comfortable either without tons of sockage. And then you get all nasty sweaty. fail!

I don’t mind all the leather bracelets and spikey shit for the most part, that stuff can be pretty comfortable/not really noticeable.  I think I’ve tried to wear wrist-things in the past, but eventually got tired because the sweat retention and general-annoyance (same deal with watches for me), but I’m not against them per se.