And it was everything that I exactly expected except a) way bloodier and b) they were missing the flashback scene where the protagonist learns (or hears about, or sees or whatever) the badass ability that lets him comeback from almost certain death and win at the end.  That’s like rule 41 of fighting movies:  If the protagonist pulls a badass new move out of their ass for the win, FORESHADOW the move.  I’m sure this scene got cut, because they seemed to follow the other rules pretty well.  Rule 16 was there: potential love interest gets maimed/killed/injured at height of final conflict, giving protagonist the resolve to bust out secret new ultra move.

The two people with the displaced heart thing was cute though.

OK, now is the time for random lurkers to step forward: is there already a movie…. prrrrobably Japanese – a horror movie with (one or more) ninja as the beastie(s)?  Because, watch thing this let me to think that ninja could actually be done in a serious suspense/terror style.  I mean, they are invisible in shadows, then zoom by and cut off you fingers or cut your friends face in half at the speed of light?  How is that not scary!?  I’m telling you, that’s the big horror crazy for ’12  (Then it’s vampire pirates, but shhh don’t let the parrot out of the bag).

Also, I’ve decided that this movie is dismemb*rment p*rn.  Yes, I edited out a couple letters so “people” googling that term will NOT find my blog.  I can live without those 11,000 hits, thank you very much.  And by dismemb*rment p*rn I mean that people’s limbs go flying everywhere.  I’ve seen a good amount of a martial arts movies, and they tend to be more restrained.  Is this a Hollywood Polish mafia thing  – the Wachowskis and JM Straczynski involved in the same movie? BOOM.  That just happened.  OK maybe they’re not Polish, but they names sound Polish and, as someone of Polish decent, I think we need some kind mafia in Hollywood. It just seems like the right thing to do.  Pay the world back for all those ‘forgot the recipe for ice’ jokes, etc.

Oh, right the movie.  Yeah, if you don’t know what to expect going into this then I don’t know what to tell you.  There’s a paper-thin story, a decent amount of martial arts with neon blood spraying everywhere and limbs flying around like popcorn… and some other stuff in between I’m sure.

Oh, and if you think Rain is hot, there are a TON of shots of him shirtless, ripped muscles all a glistening.  It’s also that kind of p*rn.  He’s a shot to see you out:

TWO AND A HALF STARS

The season has slipped back into obnoxious up here in the Portland of the West (I’m not talking to you Portland, Maine!).  Freezing wind (not literally, yet), cold nights, and RAIN.  RAIN.  Yes, someday we will move and leave you far behind.   New Mexico?  Hawaii?  New England somewheresabouts?  Somewhere!  All we need is that perfect moneymaking job!  Like… being a writer.  That totally pays about $40k a year if you luck out and bust your ass.  Wait.  That’s not that much at all.  Doh!

…

There are no movies that look interesting to me because a) I rarely watch trailers and b) when would we have the time?  I suppose I should start netflixing all the stuff I’ve missed this year….right?  American Pie 12 here I come!

…

Marvel announced at least three big events so far for next year: Second Coming (X-Men event), DoomWar (seems Black Panther centric, but has X-men & FF members &…Deadpool.  Kay!),  and Siege – the final “ending” of the Dark Reign stuff and return to semi-normalcy with Cap/Thor/Iron Man Avengering around together again.

…

Books.  Books.  I haven’t read anything in a while.  I’m slowly working my way through a book of interviews with Michael Moorcock.  He’s been known to write a book in ?3? days I think it was.  Fucknutty!  Somehow I’ve made it to date without reading a single one of his books.  Cardinal sin, I KNOW.  I should be able to find some in old school paperback pretty cheap though, maybe I’ll do that after I finish (and start…) Name of the Wind.  I’m so afraid it will suck I haven’t touched it yet.

…

I haven’t tried to watch a single episode of Heroes since my failure to complete the first one.  Jen seems to be enjoying Flashforward though, and it seems moderately interesting.   I think, if it doesn’t go the way of X-Files/Lost?/Heroes etc. (ie dragging out the initial premise to Herculean lengths, then never resolving it satisfactorily because you’ve inserted so much bullhsit in there in the attempt to stretch it out to 7+ seasons) it sounds like it could be decent.  We had a conversation about the different things we’re willing to invest in a TV show – I’m much less willing to start watching any kind of ongoing show these days because I lack the confidence that TV writers have the balls to end something.  If a story is only meant to run 1-2 seasons, that’s all it should run!!  But, of course that runs completely counter to TV programming-think.

…

Nothing particularly new to me in the world of music.  I think I may like She & Him.  Still trying to decide. I like some of the songs, but I need to hear the whole album and I’m reticent to buy it without hearing the entire thing first.  I do dig the retro-50s vocal thing she’s doing though.  I like the sound, but not so much in its original context – amusing, yes?

I’m debating ordering Dear Leader‘s now album – it’s ex-Sheila Divine frontman Aaron Perrino’s current project.   They were a great band that I think was just hitting their stride when they vanished so hey, good luck with reincarnation.

I heard a rumor that Jawbox was going to be on some douchebag’s late night show.  That guy from SNL who couldn’t keep a straight face to save his life.  Can’t remember his name for some reason.  Crazy.

The Monsters of Folk album is ok.  Not ok enough for me to rush out and buy it, but ok.

…

Z has a selection of chorus lines he says now when he’s in the mood, inevitably going from one to the other.  “Beating like a hammer” (Metric), “It’s cold outside”, (classics), “hit the road jack/don’t come back no more” & a few others I’m brain farting on right now.  He usually knows 1-2 extra lines of the songs as well.  It’s freaking adorable.  He’s starting to get a little bit of melody going too.

…

I’m in one of those “everything bores me” phases right now, hoping it will end soon.   Could just be the seasonal doldrums.

So, let’s get this out of the way – this is one of the worst scripts I can remember seeing visualized:   scenes make no sense in connections to other scenes, characters have motivations so thin a pebble of baby shit would crush them, and the few bright spots of writing there are don’t involve any dialogue at all.

Scene-by-scene, as I can remember:

1. The opening was actually nice, and would have made for a good movie by itself.  Seriously.
2. There is NO reason, in the context of this movie, for Wolverine to be called “Logan”.  In the comics, Logan was the last name of Dog’s father (Dog->Victor in the movie).  In the movie, that dude’s last name is obviously “Creed” (because Wolverine calls his nemesis alternately Victor & Creed), and Wolverine/James’s dad’s name is “Howlett”. So. Fuck you #1.
3. Without any interaction during the opening scenes, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense why James would stick with someone he’s obviously so different from – he has zero problems ending their relationship when Victor is about to kill the dude in Africa.
4. The Vietnam scene was stupid too – Victor is going to rape someone, then he freaks out and attacks a commanding officer? K.  I guess James just didn’t catch that part or the relationship would have been over sooner I guess?
5. The Africa scene. SERIOUSLY?  Some fucktard hack screenwriter just wrote this scene (and most of the others) to show how badass the characters were.  Each one (except James & Victor) had a stupid solo moment where they used their powers, when anyone ONE of them could have completed the entire mission alone. STUPID.  Oh, and the Blob special effects bit – you know some producer (?) shot their wad when they realized how cheaply they could shoot it : “dude puts his fist in tank cannon – nothing happens!!! AWESOME!!!!”
6. Yes, Wade Wilson is cool/funny.  But I’m really not big on the killing indescriminately part.  I guess technically him and Agent Zero both have the same powers too – super agility?  Because “deflecting bullets with a sword” is not a super power.
7. The Agent Zero showoff scene was dumb too – no one can hit a moving target? Really?  He still has to pull the trigger you know.
8. The adamantium recovery in Africa scene.  “It’s cool Wolverine, we’ll let you walk off, knowing what you know.  See ya.”
9. Oh, and don’t get me started on James acting like he had a bond with Wraith & Blob later in the movie, when they went on one goddam mission together.  They knew each other for LIKE ONE DAY.
10. “Kayla Silver Fox”.  The Native American who looks white, and has a blonde haired blue eyed sister.  Uh huh.  Seriously people, it’s not like there are many roles out there for Natives as it is. Get a fucking clue.
11. Aforementioned bitch’s “death”.  Seriously.  Cuz, you know, Wolverine knows what blood smells like.  And there weren’t any cuts on her so.  Yeah.  Did I miss something here?

OK, it’s been a few days, and I’ve forgotten a bunch, but here’s a few more:

1. The scene where Logan finds out that Silver Fox is still alive, etc.  All that crazy bitching about how Stryker was going to kill him and then he lets him just walk out? MMM kay.  Nevermind that Logan would have picked up the extra sweat/stress in her scent and realized she was under pressure. Oh wait, except that this Wolverine is retarded.
2. Reborn Deadpool has way too many powers to be interesting in a sequel.  Oh wait, he wasn’t interesting in this movie either.
3. Stryker’s PLAN was actually to shoot up Logan’s memories?  REALLY?  That was his stupid PLAN to save himself.  Then again, whatever. BUT HOW DO YOU HIT THE RIGHT ONES?  Maybe you just make him forget the first time he wet the bed, then he shoves his claws through your fucking skull.  Oh, double wait, Wolverine killed exactly zero persons in this movie.  Ok wait, he sort of killed someone named “Zero” (who had just shot to death two innocent old people), so I guess that counts.
4. Eh, I forget.
5. The script  sucked gigantic roasted whale testes, did I mention that?
6. ?

So yeah, script bad, movie somehow entertaining because the action barely kept it going.  Which I’M SURE is what they intended.  No one could not realize that was logicFAILriddled trash.  But come on.  Respect us a little.

You set out to make a mainstream movie (but with lots of cussing!) and you did.  This movie was utterly predictable (except that I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had slept with the porn starlet), in all the most standard of ways.  There were  many scenes that I thought were wasted too – things that probably would have been better in a “standard” movie.

Random bits:

• The reunion scene – we only got to see 3 or 4 of their wacky classmates?  Seems like a waste of free jokes there.
• Judd Apatow called and he wants his casts back
• Look Kevin I know you’re pissed that Judd beat you to showing dick in a movie.   Wait, no I don’t have a subordinate clause for that sentence.
• What the holy meddlesome-candy-forcible-anal-entry-frogs was up with Elizabeth Banks’ (thaaaat’s here name, had to look it up) “revelation scenes”.  You know, the ones where the lighting on her face gets all overkill, and she starts emoting like a madwoman, and this is supposed to tell us that she’s learning something about love?  I could see if it was supposed to be comical, but I really don’t think it was.
• To the porn starlet chick (I’ll avoid putting her name in so I can skip getting a bunch of random hits from people searching for pics of her to dress their hand up in) with the giant fake boobs: thank you for reminding us why real boobs are the cat’s pajamas.  There was one scene where she was twisted funny or something, and her implant was all …just all obviously visible and nasty.
• Re: chick blowing bubbles with her lady junk: And your characters didn’t put that in their movie?  The thing that made them hire her?? OK.
• The thing with Craig Robinson’s wife/Tisha Campbell: Really? Wasn’t making her a raging bitch a bit too predictable?  I was half expecting/hoping there to be some kind of flip-the-script thing here but no, she really was a crazy bitch.  Lame.
• I guess sometimes all you need to show you love is for people to watch and film you having sex.  While that’s probably true – no, that’s all I got there.
• re: sex: Zack & Miri’s sex scene was crappy by any standard.  At least make it look like it lasted more than 2-3 minutes.

I mean, it wasn’t a “bad” movie – unless you’re bothered by people getting their face shat on, low hanging testicle shots (I think Kevin knew he had to do this before someone else beat him to it) and excessive masturbation jokes.  If you’re cool with that stuff, then it’s a pretty standard romantic comedy of the “goofy best friends fall in love on accident” school.  But there’s nothing new (other than the hanging sack shot…) & exciting to see here.

Carry on.

It looks like Disney is going for at least one atrocity per film – this time around it is the 114% unnecessary romantic angle between Susan and Caspian (nevermind all the sexual tension Susan has with her brothers – WTF?!).  Look, Disney, I’m sure your research reveals that tweenybopper girls like boys, and they like it when frumpy girls like them get googly eyes from sexy mofo’s like ex-teen-idol wannabee Caspian-dee-eight-degrees. BUT STILL.  Have some decency.

At least this time they let some bad guys die, and let the good guys actually kill some things.

MAN was there a lot of gorgeous scenery.  One might wonder if they purposefully saved on the shooting budget by substituting long scenery shots (and long shots of the siblings eyes – presumably filling their pants on that same scenery) for good portions of actual movie.  Then again, it was too long in general – we spread it out over too nights (partially because it was so boring).

Nothing personal against Heath Ledger, he’s a great actor and all, but his Joker portrayal was in no way Oscar worthy.  Not that “Oscar worthy” directly correlates to quality, but I’m going to pretend it does for a few minutes even though it’s doubtful it means anything when most of us are vaguely aware of the back-room politics that go into Oscar choice.

But still, honestly folks – those of you that saw Batman Whatever – he played a crazy guy.  An intense crazy guy.  We don’t have any idea what his background or motivations are, so he’s just an excuse to act crazy with little restraint and few guidelines.  What skilled actor wouldn’t go nuts in that role?

As a guy with very little acting experience, I say that I am 104% correct when I say portraying a boundless crazy person is not the most difficult thing out there.

Unfortunately, the only other movie in the running for that award that I saw was Tropic Thunder.  And, while I think that giving Downey the award for that particular portrayal would open a different kind of can of annelids, I think what he did there (in a comedy of all places!) required a bit more “work” than playing batshit crazy guy.  Not that I think he should have won, just that it was more …dimensioned (?).

So Jen was watching Mama Mia last night, and I couldn’t help but notice that both Meryl’s characters friends…were shrewish hags.  OH OK, not horribly, but they were plain as shit.

I mean, really.  You’d be hard pressed to find more average looking women than those two.  And they can’t sing particularly well either – so what possible reason could there be for them to be in a Hollywood movie?  Remember, this is the Hollywood so obsessed with attraction that it drives even borderline insane mothers of 14 to get nasty shit injected into their lips (I kid! I’m not blaming HW for that – she’s obviously batshit crazy!).  The same Hollywood that has special casting agents for the rare occasions when they need “ugly” people (who really just look average to me – but remember: average for us is ugly for them!).  Anyway, you watch the movies, you know what I mean.

So what gives?

I was thinking maybe they were in the Broadway version or something, but that doesn’t look like it.

My theory:  Meryl is getting old.  She’s not exactly a looker anymore (was she ever?).  But she’s still a big name.  So she gets a few little lines inserted into her contract here: “Supporting actresses must not distract from Meryl” ie they must be less attractive  Except for the daughter – the movie just wouldn’t make sense with an ugly daughter.  Plus Hollywood isn’t so crazy that it would put an “unattractive” (by their terms) person in a leading role.  Thems box office poison in thar hills!

So yeah.

I wasn’t like, excited to see it or anything, but I did actually want to see it.

First off – in case you don’t know (which you probably do) – it’s based on a HORRIBLY mean spirited comic that would never make it to the silver screen.   The comic is just really vile, as far as theme, setting and intention goes.  Some people like that stuff though.  Not me particularly.

Anyway, so yeah.  Movie, “loosely” based off comic – that crazy bullshit with the weavers was NOT in the comics.  In the comics the plot was relatively simple: the bad guys/evil super villains won.  All super/bat/wonder-person types are dead, raped, tortured, incapacitated or all of the above.  Villains are the world shadow government and they can do whatever they want.  The plot is basically a new villain getting drafted into a turf war, that’s the basics.

So yeah, movie is nothing like that.  Some crazy made up shit about codes hidden in wool.  Seriously.

It’s basically a big frame up for a few neat action scenes and for Angelina pretending she’s sexy.  Which I don’t think she is…she’s too thin, and now her head looks really large, because of said thinness.  If you’re into that kind of thing it’s probably just easier to pick up a coatrack at a garage sale somewhere and go to town on it.

Oh, yeah, so the craziest thing about it, the thing that made me do a double-plot-take was that, ok so [SPOILER] he finds out the whole thing is a set up, and one guy is responsible for duping everyone else.  Remember this: one guy is responsible for the badness, no one else knows.  So he goes after that one guy by…killing everyone else. All kinds of innocents and/or people he has broken bread with.  I  guess it’s supposed to be a sign of how badass he is or something but it just rang really false and stupid.

The random ultra-violence in the scene where he is shooting through a guy’s head (as in, holding the body up, keeping his hand in its skull and firing out of it while using the body for a shield) was unneeded too.

Oh, and yes anyone can transfer money into your bank account, but transferring it back out without your involvement is a bit more difficult.  Especially when hacking wasn’t presented anywhere before this in the movie, or even mentioned afterwards.  Huh?

Anyway, there are all kinds of wacky plot wack-a-moles in here.  But you weren’t expecting high art when you decided to watch this were you?

TWO STARS (out of 5)

[EDIT:

I forgot, the "bending bullets" thing was DUMB DUMB DUMB.  The main guy & his dad were the only ones who could do it in the comic...they must have just thought it would make a good visual (which it did) and then WENT FUCKING APESHIT NUTS OVERBOARD with it.]

It took me about a week to watch it – I took a break at the Joker-in-jail scene because it was getting to be too much.

Sure, the acting, the special effects, the scenery, props, casting (except for someone with a really old face) was great.  But the story?  Meh.  I had to force myself to watch the end of it.  Nevermind that the plot was pretty formulaic – especially if you’re a comic reader (and I imagine even if you’re not) – as “wacky and twist-turny” as it was, it was still very predictable.  NOW, here’s the thing – I don’t need to be surprised by movies, not at all.  But what annoys me is when movies try really hard to surprise you again and again.  That gets old.

All that aside, I think the main thing was just the Joker – he was way too much.  Overboard.  Seriously people?  Seriously?  He was like, super-genius beyond genius in this flick.  And he just appeared out of nowhere – a blank slate smarter and much more prepared than Batman.  This movie should have been called “Batman loses” – because that’s what happened.  The Joker got exactly what he wanted, pretty much to the letter, and all Batman got was…uh…what did he get?  I have no idea.  (Yes yes I get how it functions as a mythos builder and how Batman needs this to learn, and how Joker is the counter insane to Batman’s sane-beyond-insane blah blah).

Oh, and the bit at the end where Batman decides the murders have to be pinned on him.  SERIOUSLY?  That was the only plot option you could find?  REALLY?  Because just saying the Joker did it…or that they were other random unsolved cases wouldn’t fly in a Gotham RAMPANT with random murder and corruption?  You really think anyone would have thought twice if Gordon said that the Joker was behind these other killings?

This was a step past absurdity for me.  (Summary: people are offended at the word “retard” in a movie, and that movies SATIRICAL portrayal of Hollywood’s attempt to Orally Oscarize itself via actors portraying retards in movies).

Money quote:

The studio arranged screenings around the country for disability advocates yesterday and last Friday. “I came out of it feeling like I had been assaulted,” said David Tolleson, executive director of the Down syndrome group, who saw it last week. “I counted 16 uses of retard, not counting imbecile, moron and idiot.”

WAIT.  Holdthafuckatrukkaminnite. Backup. You want me to stop saying idiot, imbecile & moron?  Nevermind that I’m still holding on to retard – you can’t have that!  How am I supposed to describe someone that is an idiot, imbecile or moron, or acts in a way that is idiotic, imbecilic or moronic? … Fucking reactionary morons.  This is almost as dumb as Guiliani’s son suing Duke over being kicked off the golf team.  Almost, but not quite.

Neverminding that they obviously missed the point of satire, the word “retard” is not going away.  I’m sorry.  Mentally handicapped/retarded/imbecilic/WHATEVER people are different than non-retarded people in a very measurable and functional way.  We’re not talking about the imaginary differences that racists see, we’re talking about actual, functional differences in living and quality of life/etc.

Just like people are not going to stop using the word “fat” to describe well, fat people.  Look I’m sorry to all the whiny bitches who can’t handle having their flaws (sorry, but being mentally handicapped is the textbook definition of a flaw) mocked, or used to mock others.

Oh, one more thing, since these folks are all up in arms and joining together to fight for “rights” for the disabled and all that.  I’ll put it in bold and all caps.  YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO BE MADE FUN OF (in general, in specific can be a different story).  Sorry.  Oh, you want special treatment?  Hmmm.

I think I’m failing in my attempt to eloquently present what I’m trying to say here, but what else is now.  Let me try one more time:

*Comparing someone to someone of lesser physical/mental capability is always going to be an insult.  Insults are often an integral part of jokes.
*Mentally handicapped people have lesser physical/mental capabilities – that’s not something you can sue out of the world.
*Therefore, people will taunt other people by referring to them as names used for the mentally handicapped.  Just like if someone is running/performing some physical function slowly you may jokingly compare them to a physically handicapped or fat/overweight person.

Do you expect to legislate/protest insults out of the American collective conscious?  Because frankly, that’s what you’re attempting here….which is part of why it’s so stupid.

Yes, I know this may be the post that forever damns my future political career but look, I’m all for rights for the disabled, but no group has a right not to be made fun of.  This is not hate speech, which you do have a right to be protected from to various degrees..  Sorry.  It may be cruel, but that’s life.  Buck up crybabies.

Also, keep in mind that no one in specific is being insulted.  I’m sure someone with a retarded family member would take offense to that person being specifically insulted, but to be insulted by the word “retard” being used as an insult is just ignoring reality.

I’ll post again whenever I finally see the movie (I’m guessing after it hits Netflixx), maybe at that point I will be so offended by what I see I’ll change my mind, and call myself shortsighted for writing this.

But I doubt it.