And it was everything that I exactly expected except a) way bloodier and b) they were missing the flashback scene where the protagonist learns (or hears about, or sees or whatever) the badass ability that lets him comeback from almost certain death and win at the end.  That’s like rule 41 of fighting movies:  If the protagonist pulls a badass new move out of their ass for the win, FORESHADOW the move.  I’m sure this scene got cut, because they seemed to follow the other rules pretty well.  Rule 16 was there: potential love interest gets maimed/killed/injured at height of final conflict, giving protagonist the resolve to bust out secret new ultra move.

The two people with the displaced heart thing was cute though.

OK, now is the time for random lurkers to step forward: is there already a movie…. prrrrobably Japanese – a horror movie with (one or more) ninja as the beastie(s)?  Because, watch thing this let me to think that ninja could actually be done in a serious suspense/terror style.  I mean, they are invisible in shadows, then zoom by and cut off you fingers or cut your friends face in half at the speed of light?  How is that not scary!?  I’m telling you, that’s the big horror crazy for ’12  (Then it’s vampire pirates, but shhh don’t let the parrot out of the bag).

Also, I’ve decided that this movie is dismemb*rment p*rn.  Yes, I edited out a couple letters so “people” googling that term will NOT find my blog.  I can live without those 11,000 hits, thank you very much.  And by dismemb*rment p*rn I mean that people’s limbs go flying everywhere.  I’ve seen a good amount of a martial arts movies, and they tend to be more restrained.  Is this a Hollywood Polish mafia thing  – the Wachowskis and JM Straczynski involved in the same movie? BOOM.  That just happened.  OK maybe they’re not Polish, but they names sound Polish and, as someone of Polish decent, I think we need some kind mafia in Hollywood. It just seems like the right thing to do.  Pay the world back for all those ‘forgot the recipe for ice’ jokes, etc.

Oh, right the movie.  Yeah, if you don’t know what to expect going into this then I don’t know what to tell you.  There’s a paper-thin story, a decent amount of martial arts with neon blood spraying everywhere and limbs flying around like popcorn… and some other stuff in between I’m sure.

Oh, and if you think Rain is hot, there are a TON of shots of him shirtless, ripped muscles all a glistening.  It’s also that kind of p*rn.  He’s a shot to see you out:

TWO AND A HALF STARS

So, let’s get this out of the way – this is one of the worst scripts I can remember seeing visualized:   scenes make no sense in connections to other scenes, characters have motivations so thin a pebble of baby shit would crush them, and the few bright spots of writing there are don’t involve any dialogue at all.

Scene-by-scene, as I can remember:

1. The opening was actually nice, and would have made for a good movie by itself.  Seriously.
2. There is NO reason, in the context of this movie, for Wolverine to be called “Logan”.  In the comics, Logan was the last name of Dog’s father (Dog->Victor in the movie).  In the movie, that dude’s last name is obviously “Creed” (because Wolverine calls his nemesis alternately Victor & Creed), and Wolverine/James’s dad’s name is “Howlett”. So. Fuck you #1.
3. Without any interaction during the opening scenes, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense why James would stick with someone he’s obviously so different from – he has zero problems ending their relationship when Victor is about to kill the dude in Africa.
4. The Vietnam scene was stupid too – Victor is going to rape someone, then he freaks out and attacks a commanding officer? K.  I guess James just didn’t catch that part or the relationship would have been over sooner I guess?
5. The Africa scene. SERIOUSLY?  Some fucktard hack screenwriter just wrote this scene (and most of the others) to show how badass the characters were.  Each one (except James & Victor) had a stupid solo moment where they used their powers, when anyone ONE of them could have completed the entire mission alone. STUPID.  Oh, and the Blob special effects bit – you know some producer (?) shot their wad when they realized how cheaply they could shoot it : “dude puts his fist in tank cannon – nothing happens!!! AWESOME!!!!”
6. Yes, Wade Wilson is cool/funny.  But I’m really not big on the killing indescriminately part.  I guess technically him and Agent Zero both have the same powers too – super agility?  Because “deflecting bullets with a sword” is not a super power.
7. The Agent Zero showoff scene was dumb too – no one can hit a moving target? Really?  He still has to pull the trigger you know.
8. The adamantium recovery in Africa scene.  “It’s cool Wolverine, we’ll let you walk off, knowing what you know.  See ya.”
9. Oh, and don’t get me started on James acting like he had a bond with Wraith & Blob later in the movie, when they went on one goddam mission together.  They knew each other for LIKE ONE DAY.
10. “Kayla Silver Fox”.  The Native American who looks white, and has a blonde haired blue eyed sister.  Uh huh.  Seriously people, it’s not like there are many roles out there for Natives as it is. Get a fucking clue.
11. Aforementioned bitch’s “death”.  Seriously.  Cuz, you know, Wolverine knows what blood smells like.  And there weren’t any cuts on her so.  Yeah.  Did I miss something here?

OK, it’s been a few days, and I’ve forgotten a bunch, but here’s a few more:

1. The scene where Logan finds out that Silver Fox is still alive, etc.  All that crazy bitching about how Stryker was going to kill him and then he lets him just walk out? MMM kay.  Nevermind that Logan would have picked up the extra sweat/stress in her scent and realized she was under pressure. Oh wait, except that this Wolverine is retarded.
2. Reborn Deadpool has way too many powers to be interesting in a sequel.  Oh wait, he wasn’t interesting in this movie either.
3. Stryker’s PLAN was actually to shoot up Logan’s memories?  REALLY?  That was his stupid PLAN to save himself.  Then again, whatever. BUT HOW DO YOU HIT THE RIGHT ONES?  Maybe you just make him forget the first time he wet the bed, then he shoves his claws through your fucking skull.  Oh, double wait, Wolverine killed exactly zero persons in this movie.  Ok wait, he sort of killed someone named “Zero” (who had just shot to death two innocent old people), so I guess that counts.
4. Eh, I forget.
5. The script  sucked gigantic roasted whale testes, did I mention that?
6. ?

So yeah, script bad, movie somehow entertaining because the action barely kept it going.  Which I’M SURE is what they intended.  No one could not realize that was logicFAILriddled trash.  But come on.  Respect us a little.

You set out to make a mainstream movie (but with lots of cussing!) and you did.  This movie was utterly predictable (except that I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had slept with the porn starlet), in all the most standard of ways.  There were  many scenes that I thought were wasted too – things that probably would have been better in a “standard” movie.

Random bits:

• The reunion scene – we only got to see 3 or 4 of their wacky classmates?  Seems like a waste of free jokes there.
• Judd Apatow called and he wants his casts back
• Look Kevin I know you’re pissed that Judd beat you to showing dick in a movie.   Wait, no I don’t have a subordinate clause for that sentence.
• What the holy meddlesome-candy-forcible-anal-entry-frogs was up with Elizabeth Banks’ (thaaaat’s here name, had to look it up) “revelation scenes”.  You know, the ones where the lighting on her face gets all overkill, and she starts emoting like a madwoman, and this is supposed to tell us that she’s learning something about love?  I could see if it was supposed to be comical, but I really don’t think it was.
• To the porn starlet chick (I’ll avoid putting her name in so I can skip getting a bunch of random hits from people searching for pics of her to dress their hand up in) with the giant fake boobs: thank you for reminding us why real boobs are the cat’s pajamas.  There was one scene where she was twisted funny or something, and her implant was all …just all obviously visible and nasty.
• Re: chick blowing bubbles with her lady junk: And your characters didn’t put that in their movie?  The thing that made them hire her?? OK.
• The thing with Craig Robinson’s wife/Tisha Campbell: Really? Wasn’t making her a raging bitch a bit too predictable?  I was half expecting/hoping there to be some kind of flip-the-script thing here but no, she really was a crazy bitch.  Lame.
• I guess sometimes all you need to show you love is for people to watch and film you having sex.  While that’s probably true – no, that’s all I got there.
• re: sex: Zack & Miri’s sex scene was crappy by any standard.  At least make it look like it lasted more than 2-3 minutes.

I mean, it wasn’t a “bad” movie – unless you’re bothered by people getting their face shat on, low hanging testicle shots (I think Kevin knew he had to do this before someone else beat him to it) and excessive masturbation jokes.  If you’re cool with that stuff, then it’s a pretty standard romantic comedy of the “goofy best friends fall in love on accident” school.  But there’s nothing new (other than the hanging sack shot…) & exciting to see here.

Carry on.

It looks like Disney is going for at least one atrocity per film – this time around it is the 114% unnecessary romantic angle between Susan and Caspian (nevermind all the sexual tension Susan has with her brothers – WTF?!).  Look, Disney, I’m sure your research reveals that tweenybopper girls like boys, and they like it when frumpy girls like them get googly eyes from sexy mofo’s like ex-teen-idol wannabee Caspian-dee-eight-degrees. BUT STILL.  Have some decency.

At least this time they let some bad guys die, and let the good guys actually kill some things.

MAN was there a lot of gorgeous scenery.  One might wonder if they purposefully saved on the shooting budget by substituting long scenery shots (and long shots of the siblings eyes – presumably filling their pants on that same scenery) for good portions of actual movie.  Then again, it was too long in general – we spread it out over too nights (partially because it was so boring).

I wasn’t like, excited to see it or anything, but I did actually want to see it.

First off – in case you don’t know (which you probably do) – it’s based on a HORRIBLY mean spirited comic that would never make it to the silver screen.   The comic is just really vile, as far as theme, setting and intention goes.  Some people like that stuff though.  Not me particularly.

Anyway, so yeah.  Movie, “loosely” based off comic – that crazy bullshit with the weavers was NOT in the comics.  In the comics the plot was relatively simple: the bad guys/evil super villains won.  All super/bat/wonder-person types are dead, raped, tortured, incapacitated or all of the above.  Villains are the world shadow government and they can do whatever they want.  The plot is basically a new villain getting drafted into a turf war, that’s the basics.

So yeah, movie is nothing like that.  Some crazy made up shit about codes hidden in wool.  Seriously.

It’s basically a big frame up for a few neat action scenes and for Angelina pretending she’s sexy.  Which I don’t think she is…she’s too thin, and now her head looks really large, because of said thinness.  If you’re into that kind of thing it’s probably just easier to pick up a coatrack at a garage sale somewhere and go to town on it.

Oh, yeah, so the craziest thing about it, the thing that made me do a double-plot-take was that, ok so [SPOILER] he finds out the whole thing is a set up, and one guy is responsible for duping everyone else.  Remember this: one guy is responsible for the badness, no one else knows.  So he goes after that one guy by…killing everyone else. All kinds of innocents and/or people he has broken bread with.  I  guess it’s supposed to be a sign of how badass he is or something but it just rang really false and stupid.

The random ultra-violence in the scene where he is shooting through a guy’s head (as in, holding the body up, keeping his hand in its skull and firing out of it while using the body for a shield) was unneeded too.

Oh, and yes anyone can transfer money into your bank account, but transferring it back out without your involvement is a bit more difficult.  Especially when hacking wasn’t presented anywhere before this in the movie, or even mentioned afterwards.  Huh?

Anyway, there are all kinds of wacky plot wack-a-moles in here.  But you weren’t expecting high art when you decided to watch this were you?

TWO STARS (out of 5)

[EDIT:

I forgot, the "bending bullets" thing was DUMB DUMB DUMB.  The main guy & his dad were the only ones who could do it in the comic...they must have just thought it would make a good visual (which it did) and then WENT FUCKING APESHIT NUTS OVERBOARD with it.]

It took me about a week to watch it – I took a break at the Joker-in-jail scene because it was getting to be too much.

Sure, the acting, the special effects, the scenery, props, casting (except for someone with a really old face) was great.  But the story?  Meh.  I had to force myself to watch the end of it.  Nevermind that the plot was pretty formulaic – especially if you’re a comic reader (and I imagine even if you’re not) – as “wacky and twist-turny” as it was, it was still very predictable.  NOW, here’s the thing – I don’t need to be surprised by movies, not at all.  But what annoys me is when movies try really hard to surprise you again and again.  That gets old.

All that aside, I think the main thing was just the Joker – he was way too much.  Overboard.  Seriously people?  Seriously?  He was like, super-genius beyond genius in this flick.  And he just appeared out of nowhere – a blank slate smarter and much more prepared than Batman.  This movie should have been called “Batman loses” – because that’s what happened.  The Joker got exactly what he wanted, pretty much to the letter, and all Batman got was…uh…what did he get?  I have no idea.  (Yes yes I get how it functions as a mythos builder and how Batman needs this to learn, and how Joker is the counter insane to Batman’s sane-beyond-insane blah blah).

Oh, and the bit at the end where Batman decides the murders have to be pinned on him.  SERIOUSLY?  That was the only plot option you could find?  REALLY?  Because just saying the Joker did it…or that they were other random unsolved cases wouldn’t fly in a Gotham RAMPANT with random murder and corruption?  You really think anyone would have thought twice if Gordon said that the Joker was behind these other killings?

SemiPro is showcasing Wil Ferrel’s declining career.  There’s really only so many times you can play the same character without just doing Anchorman 2 (which might actually be good!).  That being said, there were some funny parts.  I’ve already forgotten them though, so they must not have been that memorable.

Jack Black…eh, he’s just not that funny, at least in the last few movies I’ve seen him in.  I know he must have done something funny at some point, but I can’t remember what.

It was interesting to see Mos playing someone stupid.  Not as stupid as Jack Black’s character, but still pretty low on the Brain Team’s pick list. In general, it’s tough to play stupid without it coming off as retarded (Jack Black’s character for example) or obviously fake stupid, but he pulls it off.

even when there’s sex & nudity.

The short of it:
It sucked. It did not pass go, did not collect $200, and did succumb to the X-Men 3/Bat Man & Robin/three-quel curse.

The long of it:
The action scenes were really great, and enjoyable to watch.

Whoever wrote this movie (note to self: lookup screen-writer and make mental note to vomit in mouth later), possibly a committee, cribbed some blatantly obvious shit from run-of-the-mill american romantic comedic movies. There is more but this is all I can recall at the moment, the idiocy is blinding my brain:

*Almost loses wedding ring in comedic fall: check
*Drinks Nutty Professor juice, instantly knows how to dance and play piano, is mean to sweet girls: check
*Changes hairstyle when in Nutty Dr. Jekyll mode: check
*Waits outside girls window, only to have her turn and look at the spot where he was just as he steps out of sight. (Hint: Try something new: have them make eye contact, and then have a refrigeration unit fall out of a passing plane and crush him.)
*”best” friend jumps in front of proverbial bullet (blades in this case) to prevent his death & dies in turn (even though he probably would have survived that wound, especially if he survived a bomb to the head…). Hot Fuzz did this too, but it did it much better. Because it wasn’t SERIOUS!

OK, I just IMDB’d it. Sam Raimi has the shared writing credits with his brother Ivan Raimi. Note that neither of them is listed there for writing credits on the first 2 movies. So maybe that’s the problem – he can direct, but his writing is mediocre and sophomoric. I mean that in the sense of a sophomore in high school who has watched lots of throwaway American “cinema”, not a sophomore film major in college, who would have probably known better and avoided such basic stupidities as above.

Peter Parker hits Mary Jane. Nevermind that with his strength he should have broken her face, or that he was being “influenced” by an evil entity bonded to his skin (which came from a tiny meteor WHICH JUST SO HAPPENED to crash right next to his motorcycle without him seeing it), the point is that’s a line Spider-Man shouldn’t cross. Not every hero has to be all Hank Pym-wifebeater realistic…just let some of them be heroes for fuck’s sake. Seriously, fuck is hurting here. I was already annoyed that they made Peter Parker a killer in the 1st movie (ooo *realism* I love that in my super hero stories!)…now he killed the wrong guy, and hit Mary Jane. But he forgave Sandman, and let him get away, even though he probably killed/maimed a bunch of cops just 10 minutes earlier.

Oh, and later in the movie, he walks back into the same place of business where he hit MJ in front of the entire staff & crowd, and reaches his hand up to call her to him from the stage, and she comes to him, and they dance. How cu…stupid stupid stupid. So much for “realism.” Nevermind that someone would have called the cops the second they saw his brawlin’ woman beatin’ ass walk in the door. Wait, DO mind that.

It’s only the 3rd movie and they are already retconning the 1st one. This must be some kind of a record. An insane, insane record. Inserting a different “killer” into the 1st movie, and then saying the cops just decided never to tell them, that’s real writing for you! Oh, and his spider-sense is gone.

People have lost track of what makes a good movie, and instead of focusing on making the movie a good movie first, and a sequel second, they go overboard on trying to make sequels that “top” the predecessors. More villains, more “drama”, more stupidity. See X-Men 3, BM&R, Mannequin 2, etc. OK, just kidding about Mannequin 2…I think I was just fantasizing out loud about Brett Ratner being locked in a dungeon and forced to watch that movie forever. I kid Brett Ratner. I’m sure the screen writers had something to do with that suckpile too. But he does suck. Just in case I wasn’t clear on that.

The question now is how much time do I spend describing how poorly it was executed? Hmmm, choices choices.

One thing I was reminded of right off the bat is how poor of a grasp American screenwriters have on martial arts sequences. They really, really, like making a bad guy to be over the top powerful, then throw in some posturing, then the hero (who really couldn’t ever actually take the bad guy) gets a hearty dose of motivation from a convenient flashback and then kills the bad guy in one shot. Really? How is that satisfying for the audience? In fact, WHO is that satisfying for? You may have guessed that the bad guy kicked Elektra’s butt all over the place, then she had a convenient motivational flashback, then she proceeded to just stand up and stab him in the chest. Ooooookkkkkk…

Oh, and whoever thought having a bunch of sheets fly around obstructing the combat and making it so you don’t have to actually have any combat because the sheets are are hiding all the action…brilliant!!!

No seriously…you took the old hong kong action tradition of the final fight in a completely bizarre situation (standing on top of tiny poles in the New Legend of Shaolin (I think…) was one of my favorites) and made it American by making it lazy, pointless, and unrewarding! Kudos my friends, kudos. Never mind there was no real reason why the sheets were floating in the air for five minutes.

Let’s see what else…oh yeah, Jennifer whatever looks about as Greek as I do. It’s one thing to change a story to allow for an American actor to play something when you’re too ignorant or lazy to cast a real non-whitey, it’s something else entirely when you just stick whitey in and claim they are whatever. While this wasn’t exactly what’s his name in Breakfast at Tiffany’s stupid and offensive, it was just plain silly. And she also shakes her ass more than a fresh french hooker in 3 dollar plastic purple pumps. Pretty much all the time.

Deep in thought, ass shakin walk? Check.
Cleaning the house, ass shakin walk? Check.
Carrying the dead body of the girl you’ve gone through all this trouble to save, ass shakin walk? Check.
Man Jennifer, you’ve got it COVERED.

Oh, and the filmmakers, as expected, took any excuse they could to have her in between changing in a bra. Not that I have anything against pointless t&a in the movies…far from it. I just don’t think she’s that attractive. So that’s just me being selfish I guess. I’m sure some people dig the horse-face&ears-granny-lips-ass-shakin-machine that married an Affleck. Evidently the wrong one if the current movie hipsters are to be trusted. Is she related to James Garner? Because she kinda looks like him. I’m not saying she’s ugly, she’s just plain.

Oh wait wait wait the best is yet to come. All the evil ninja are Japanese and the good ones are British/American. TOTALLY! Ok, ok I know you are saying there was one black guy & one white guy in the bad ninja group. The white guy just had a bunch of tattoos and sat around. The black guy was, you guessed it! Really big. There was also this other goofy dude who, I kid you not, didn’t seem to have any special powers other than a goofy look on his face. I’m not sure how that puts him on par with the other ones but maybe he was like a childhood friend or something?

Oh wait wait wait yes that’s right, WAIT for it – the “treasure” (the super ninja protege) is….drum roll please…a little white girl whose previous dream was to be in one those annoying My Little Pony commercials. Because you know she totally has them all. Or whatever their equivalent is today. I know, I’m out of the toy loop.

This makes sense I guess, white ninja would be training up some more white ninja to take out them evil Japanese ninja. Just because they invented that shit don’t mean…oh shit…they invented it? Man, do I feel dumb now!

There were a few gleams of things that could have been actual interesting plot points – cold wars between ninja clans, the fact that one of the bad guys was the previous “treasure”, some pretty forest scenery. Oh wait, scratch the forest scenery, I guess that doesn’t count as an actual plot point. Close though.

[EDITORS NOTE: ADDED FROM COMMENTS SECTION]

I wasn’t trying to give her credit for ass shaking, I was hoping someone would put her down for it…..ok the one shot where she’s carrying the girl’s body and the camera was like on the ground angled directly up at her ass as she swacks it around and the fucking MOONLIGHT GLITTERS OFF HER SHINY PANTS? I almost stabbed myself in the penis with a clip-on desk lamp (it was all I had nearby) in shame at what some poor shmuck director’s penis had made him do.

Although, you know, in retrospect. I bet his penis was ashamed too. This one time it was his brain going “Man, my penis is gonna love this!” But then when the scene was presented in all its “glory” his penis was like “Shat man that’s just low!”