Yes, I saw it at the cheap theater. The normal ones are like $10.50 at night.  Ugh.  So, a better question would be – was it worth $10.50?  The answer there is “maybe”.

It really depends on what you expect from these things, I guess.  And by “these things” I mean “summer blockbusters”, because that’s all this was.  I think that, in the sense that this movie was targeted (even moreso than the standard male gaze) at teenage males and the teenage male locked not particularly tightly inside every adult male … it succeeds.  I mean, the special effects are indeed, fucking crazy.  The robots look great.  The ruined city set piece was great.  The falling building scene was pretty crazy.  The re-created historical scenes were neat.  Scenes with people flying all over and being caught by robots looked about as good as they could.  I mean, until we get our stunt robots trained up well enough that we don’t have to replace them with CGI in the action scenes at least.

Not to say I’m defending the movie – I mean, if you apply any kind of “serious criticism” (if such a thing exists, sometimes I’m not convinced) to the movie, pretty much everything falls apart.  My thoughts just run more along the lines of “Why would you defend it?”

A) It’s not worth it
B) You would lose that debate
C) There is nothing in this movie that asked me to be taken seriously

You know how people call things “films”? I wouldn’t call this that.

The plot had more holes and motivational wtfs than a zombified piece of sentient swiss cheese gardening.  But GIANT ROBOTS.  I guess maybe they shouldn’t inherently preclude seriousness… but at least for this incarnation of the franchise, for me, they do.   We know what to expect by now, right?

Sure, I’d love for someone to relaunch the franchise and do it up with a little more “respect” and seriousness and much less women running in high heels and robots that weren’t so damn shiny .   Maybe that would be the kind of movie I could consider thinking about seriously.  For this one, I just wanted to pay a couple bucks and see giant robots.

One thing that really annoyed me (even more than the zooms on Rosie’s face and awkward butt camera angles (a given with Bay, right?)) was that in one scene an Autobot kicked a defeated Decepticon into a potentially inhabited building (which exploded, even though plenty of times we see robots getting pulled apart without exploding – like I said, nothing makes consistent sense if you think about it too long).  Um?   That is not something an Autobot would ever do.  As an extension of that, none of the Autobots made any effort (that I could see) to avoid collateral damage – they seem to avoid intentionally killing humans but uh… don’t care much about doing it on accident.  Very not Autobot.

Final verdict?

Worth $6 to see on the big screen.

I didn’t see it in 3d, so I can’t speak to that.

So.  I wasn’t sure what to expect going into this movie, so I didn’t really expect anything.  What I wound up was fairly pleased.  The movie had lots of flaws (that I’ll get to) BUT it was very well made.  The best of the X-Men movies so far, just on a raw quality level IMHO.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t like X-Men 2 better… but the reasons I have for doing so aren’t merit based so much as they are cast based.

First Class felt like a movie first and a comic book movie second.  That was weird.  I don’t think any other comic book movie has felt that way to me.

There were very few cheesy lines (“I adapt to survive”, “the place between rage and serenity”), and none were anywhere near as bad as Storm’s infamous frog line.

The relationship & conflict between Xavier & Magneto felt very human and real, grounded.

There were some genuinely unexpectedly moving & sad moments – primarily plot points with Mystique.  I really didn’t see those coming – because they weren’t based on any kind of cannon.  In that aspect, I think the movie really took advantage of avoiding anything but the most general comic book cannon.

The movie did a better job of setting up the mutant as a minority metaphor than the other ones.  HOWEVER.  Two big problems with its treatment of minorities:

1. This was a period piece which clearly acknowledged the sexism of the time period but completely ignored the racism.  REALLY?  None of those lily-whiters are going to react to a black dude and a mixed race girl? REALLY?
2. Both black cast members got screwed.  Given their power sets, I can see why the plot demanded that what happened happened BUT SERIOUSLY it would not have been hard to shift the plot a little bit so we didn’t wind up with an all white X-Men team and the one actual non-white (aside from red & blue white people) mutant being a bad guy.

These were my biggest problem with the movie in general.

The acting was decent all around, with surprisingly good (perhaps in that I had very low expectations – I’m not much of a movie person) turns by the majority of the cast – especially Beast & Mystique.  I really liked the angle on self-loathing and acceptance and all that junk that they brought to the film.

Charles Xavier failed.  Several times.  In major ways that he (as a character) probably didn’t even notice.  His failings were entirely “human”… it did a lot to humanize the struggle.  See image above, very accurate.

Both sides – X & M – came from “real” places and were believable and identifiable.  You understand how both characters wound up with their respective beliefs, and both are based on flawed assumptions (among other things).  X grew up in privilege, M in oppression and violence.  White and minority.  These definitely play into what’s going on.  Hell, it wouldn’t have taken more than a few extra lines of dialogue to work in something about the racism of the times and tie it to these two as well.  WHY DIDN’T THEY DO THIS? It’s kind of silly to have a metaphor about racism that ignores actual racism.  Well, I mean, if they’re going to set it in some kind of weird color-blind world it might as well be sex-blind too?  Maybe?  I don’t know.

OH.  They had a Sabretooth equivalent, but in a weirder way.  By this I mean someone who stood around saying nothing.  Except… there was nothing to indicate that this guy was as horrible an actor as Sabretooth.  I guess it was supposed to be Riptide?   Anyway, dude who made whirlwinds.  He stood around in a suit all the time saying nothing.  Maybe he said one thing on the sub, I forget.  Either way, would it have killed them to give him a couple lines?

“Azazel” sounds terrrrrrible when said out loud, at least with the pronunciation they went with – “uh-zay-zel”.  That just sounds stupid.   Maybe there was no good way to say it.  Hell, might as well have just changed his name.  Obviously someone saw the teleportation scene in X-Men 2 and realized how badass that looked on screen… and how fucking dangerous that power would be in real life (witness how he destroys an entire CIA base simply by teleporting people up in the air and dropping them.  Brutal.  And they didn’t even touch the bit about teleporting PARTS of people.)  Anyway, these two dudes mostly just stood around, but it wasn’t terrible.

I don’t really feel one way or another about the Emma Frost actress.  She was passable, not bad or great.  Darwin had some of the worst lines, so it was hard to say how he would have done if he had more to go with.  Banshee & Havok were fine.  Angel was OK, although she seemed entirely too willing to attack her former “friends”.

They seem to have set things up pretty solidly for a sequel (and hinted that Storm will be in it – or at least she had a clear cameo in the Cerebro scene, I didn’t recognize any of the other cameos in that scene), so I really hopes that happens.  If they switch directors though they should just reboot the goddam thing again.  This director seems to have a very specific vision, and I’d like that to be consistent.  Except for the racial ignorance – that needs to be acknowledged with a quickness.

Other people in the theater seemed to enjoy the pic – I heard some folks talking afterwards who didn’t seem to know anything about the X-Men (they said things like “I feel sorry for the screaming guy”) but enjoyed the movie.

Oh, and I drove most of the way home with my lights off… I wondered why so many people were acting really bizarre – turning on hazards, flashing me with flashlights & brights – it was really surreal until I realized I was an idiot.

Let me just start by saying I’ve enjoyed the movies.  They are good fantasy/screen candy fun.

Now that that is out of the way…

WTF IS UP WITH THE MAGIC SYSTEM THERE?

Seriously people.  Life or death here.  LIFE OR DEATH.

You need wands for everything (which doesn’t make a damn bit of sense).  Except teleporting (or unless you are an elf).  Which is pretty damn important.  The teleporting.  Evidently all being an elf gets you is ugly and seminaked.  And [REDACTED].

POP QUIZ wandshot:

You’re being chased by lazy ass twilight reject dudes on foot, do you:

a) run around in the forest like morons

b) teleport to a pre-determined meeting place and skip the pointless chase scene

If you guessed B (like I would have) you are DEAD WRONG.  The right choice is A.  Of course, then you would have missed accidentally getting rescued and one of you getting tortured and someone dying BUT HEY that’s not my fault.

It’s obvious (at least it seems like it) that they are cutting out a ton of back story and useful worldbuilding from the books… so much so that I think I’ll have to read them because “everyone” says they are super awesome and a world with a magic system that doesn’t make ANY GODDAM SENSE wouldn’t be awesome at all.  So I’m gonna figure she spelled out the whole wand/no wand/but I can teleport without it thing in one of the books.  Or, maybe it one of the earlier movies and I just don’t remember and am too lazy to google it.  No, I’m not ashamed to admit that I am too lazy to google it.  WHAT?  We’re on vacation, the last thing I feel like doing right now is googling.

Also note that this is the first movie we have gone out together to see THIS YEAR.  When/what was the last movie we went out to see together?  Apparently Avatar.  Yeah.  That was last December.  When we were visiting my mom (like we are tonight, huh, what are the odds….).

Right.  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows.  Part one.  Very “dark” for the childfare, I guess.  Lots of sadness and emo to the max and stuff and the movie ends in an even darker place.  Which I kind of like.

But I’m also like WHERE ARE THE MAGIC WARDS ON THE OLD MAN BURIED WITH THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON EVER?? (Also, who buried it with him without snatching it?  Because that thing was in plain sight.  And why would crazy guy in jail know that?)

Because W T F.

I want to point out again how useful teleporting is, and how many of the movie’s scenes (and probably from the other movies if I went back and thought about it) could have been handily short-circuited by teleporting.   If I ever write teleporting into something, I hope I do it in a way that makes more sense and seems less like a plot device (like how that annoying girl on the southern vampire sex orgy show only uses her telepathy at stupid and/or pre-ordained times.  I mean, *after* they point out how annoying it is for her to read minds all the time.  You know, how they showed you how annoying it was for an episode or two then suddenly forgot about it?).

Also, it’s a good thing Hermione is not a total idiot, because those two boys are skirting the edge.

YES, I get that that is part of the point BUT like… don’t you get tired of incompetence?  See: Harry and Ron.  I know I do/would.

Now I just need to wait long enough that I forget what the actors look like so I can read the books.

And it was everything that I exactly expected except a) way bloodier and b) they were missing the flashback scene where the protagonist learns (or hears about, or sees or whatever) the badass ability that lets him comeback from almost certain death and win at the end.  That’s like rule 41 of fighting movies:  If the protagonist pulls a badass new move out of their ass for the win, FORESHADOW the move.  I’m sure this scene got cut, because they seemed to follow the other rules pretty well.  Rule 16 was there: potential love interest gets maimed/killed/injured at height of final conflict, giving protagonist the resolve to bust out secret new ultra move.

The two people with the displaced heart thing was cute though.

OK, now is the time for random lurkers to step forward: is there already a movie…. prrrrobably Japanese – a horror movie with (one or more) ninja as the beastie(s)?  Because, watch thing this let me to think that ninja could actually be done in a serious suspense/terror style.  I mean, they are invisible in shadows, then zoom by and cut off you fingers or cut your friends face in half at the speed of light?  How is that not scary!?  I’m telling you, that’s the big horror crazy for ’12  (Then it’s vampire pirates, but shhh don’t let the parrot out of the bag).

Also, I’ve decided that this movie is dismemb*rment p*rn.  Yes, I edited out a couple letters so “people” googling that term will NOT find my blog.  I can live without those 11,000 hits, thank you very much.  And by dismemb*rment p*rn I mean that people’s limbs go flying everywhere.  I’ve seen a good amount of a martial arts movies, and they tend to be more restrained.  Is this a Hollywood Polish mafia thing  – the Wachowskis and JM Straczynski involved in the same movie? BOOM.  That just happened.  OK maybe they’re not Polish, but they names sound Polish and, as someone of Polish decent, I think we need some kind mafia in Hollywood. It just seems like the right thing to do.  Pay the world back for all those ‘forgot the recipe for ice’ jokes, etc.

Oh, right the movie.  Yeah, if you don’t know what to expect going into this then I don’t know what to tell you.  There’s a paper-thin story, a decent amount of martial arts with neon blood spraying everywhere and limbs flying around like popcorn… and some other stuff in between I’m sure.

Oh, and if you think Rain is hot, there are a TON of shots of him shirtless, ripped muscles all a glistening.  It’s also that kind of p*rn.  Here’s a shot to see you out:

TWO AND A HALF STARS

So, let’s get this out of the way – this is one of the worst scripts I can remember seeing visualized:   scenes make no sense in connections to other scenes, characters have motivations so thin a pebble of baby shit would crush them, and the few bright spots of writing there are don’t involve any dialogue at all.

Scene-by-scene, as I can remember:

1. The opening was actually nice, and would have made for a good movie by itself.  Seriously.
2. There is NO reason, in the context of this movie, for Wolverine to be called “Logan”.  In the comics, Logan was the last name of Dog’s father (Dog->Victor in the movie).  In the movie, that dude’s last name is obviously “Creed” (because Wolverine calls his nemesis alternately Victor & Creed), and Wolverine/James’s dad’s name is “Howlett”. So. Fuck you #1.
3. Without any interaction during the opening scenes, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense why James would stick with someone he’s obviously so different from – he has zero problems ending their relationship when Victor is about to kill the dude in Africa.
4. The Vietnam scene was stupid too – Victor is going to rape someone, then he freaks out and attacks a commanding officer? K.  I guess James just didn’t catch that part or the relationship would have been over sooner I guess?
5. The Africa scene. SERIOUSLY?  Some fucktard hack screenwriter just wrote this scene (and most of the others) to show how badass the characters were.  Each one (except James & Victor) had a stupid solo moment where they used their powers, when anyone ONE of them could have completed the entire mission alone. STUPID.  Oh, and the Blob special effects bit – you know some producer (?) shot their wad when they realized how cheaply they could shoot it : “dude puts his fist in tank cannon – nothing happens!!! AWESOME!!!!”
6. Yes, Wade Wilson is cool/funny.  But I’m really not big on the killing indescriminately part.  I guess technically him and Agent Zero both have the same powers too – super agility?  Because “deflecting bullets with a sword” is not a super power.
7. The Agent Zero showoff scene was dumb too – no one can hit a moving target? Really?  He still has to pull the trigger you know.
8. The adamantium recovery in Africa scene.  “It’s cool Wolverine, we’ll let you walk off, knowing what you know.  See ya.”
9. Oh, and don’t get me started on James acting like he had a bond with Wraith & Blob later in the movie, when they went on one goddam mission together.  They knew each other for LIKE ONE DAY.
10. “Kayla Silver Fox”.  The Native American who looks white, and has a blonde haired blue eyed sister.  Uh huh.  Seriously people, it’s not like there are many roles out there for Natives as it is. Get a fucking clue.
11. Aforementioned bitch’s “death”.  Seriously.  Cuz, you know, Wolverine knows what blood smells like.  And there weren’t any cuts on her so.  Yeah.  Did I miss something here?

OK, it’s been a few days, and I’ve forgotten a bunch, but here’s a few more:

1. The scene where Logan finds out that Silver Fox is still alive, etc.  All that crazy bitching about how Stryker was going to kill him and then he lets him just walk out? MMM kay.  Nevermind that Logan would have picked up the extra sweat/stress in her scent and realized she was under pressure. Oh wait, except that this Wolverine is retarded.
2. Reborn Deadpool has way too many powers to be interesting in a sequel.  Oh wait, he wasn’t interesting in this movie either.
3. Stryker’s PLAN was actually to shoot up Logan’s memories?  REALLY?  That was his stupid PLAN to save himself.  Then again, whatever. BUT HOW DO YOU HIT THE RIGHT ONES?  Maybe you just make him forget the first time he wet the bed, then he shoves his claws through your fucking skull.  Oh, double wait, Wolverine killed exactly zero persons in this movie.  Ok wait, he sort of killed someone named “Zero” (who had just shot to death two innocent old people), so I guess that counts.
4. Eh, I forget.
5. The script  sucked gigantic roasted whale testes, did I mention that?
6. ?

So yeah, script bad, movie somehow entertaining because the action barely kept it going.  Which I’M SURE is what they intended.  No one could not realize that was logicFAILriddled trash.  But come on.  Respect us a little.

You set out to make a mainstream movie (but with lots of cussing!) and you did.  This movie was utterly predictable (except that I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had slept with the porn starlet), in all the most standard of ways.  There were  many scenes that I thought were wasted too – things that probably would have been better in a “standard” movie.

Random bits:

• The reunion scene – we only got to see 3 or 4 of their wacky classmates?  Seems like a waste of free jokes there.
• Judd Apatow called and he wants his casts back
• Look Kevin I know you’re pissed that Judd beat you to showing dick in a movie.   Wait, no I don’t have a subordinate clause for that sentence.
• What the holy meddlesome-candy-forcible-anal-entry-frogs was up with Elizabeth Banks’ (thaaaat’s here name, had to look it up) “revelation scenes”.  You know, the ones where the lighting on her face gets all overkill, and she starts emoting like a madwoman, and this is supposed to tell us that she’s learning something about love?  I could see if it was supposed to be comical, but I really don’t think it was.
• To the porn starlet chick (I’ll avoid putting her name in so I can skip getting a bunch of random hits from people searching for pics of her to dress their hand up in) with the giant fake boobs: thank you for reminding us why real boobs are the cat’s pajamas.  There was one scene where she was twisted funny or something, and her implant was all …just all obviously visible and nasty.
• Re: chick blowing bubbles with her lady junk: And your characters didn’t put that in their movie?  The thing that made them hire her?? OK.
• The thing with Craig Robinson’s wife/Tisha Campbell: Really? Wasn’t making her a raging bitch a bit too predictable?  I was half expecting/hoping there to be some kind of flip-the-script thing here but no, she really was a crazy bitch.  Lame.
• I guess sometimes all you need to show you love is for people to watch and film you having sex.  While that’s probably true – no, that’s all I got there.
• re: sex: Zack & Miri’s sex scene was crappy by any standard.  At least make it look like it lasted more than 2-3 minutes.

I mean, it wasn’t a “bad” movie – unless you’re bothered by people getting their face shat on, low hanging testicle shots (I think Kevin knew he had to do this before someone else beat him to it) and excessive masturbation jokes.  If you’re cool with that stuff, then it’s a pretty standard romantic comedy of the “goofy best friends fall in love on accident” school.  But there’s nothing new (other than the hanging sack shot…) & exciting to see here.

Carry on.

It looks like Disney is going for at least one atrocity per film – this time around it is the 114% unnecessary romantic angle between Susan and Caspian (nevermind all the sexual tension Susan has with her brothers – WTF?!).  Look, Disney, I’m sure your research reveals that tweenybopper girls like boys, and they like it when frumpy girls like them get googly eyes from sexy mofo’s like ex-teen-idol wannabee Caspian-dee-eight-degrees. BUT STILL.  Have some decency.

At least this time they let some bad guys die, and let the good guys actually kill some things.

MAN was there a lot of gorgeous scenery.  One might wonder if they purposefully saved on the shooting budget by substituting long scenery shots (and long shots of the siblings eyes – presumably filling their pants on that same scenery) for good portions of actual movie.  Then again, it was too long in general – we spread it out over too nights (partially because it was so boring).

I wasn’t like, excited to see it or anything, but I did actually want to see it.

First off – in case you don’t know (which you probably do) – it’s based on a HORRIBLY mean spirited comic that would never make it to the silver screen.   The comic is just really vile, as far as theme, setting and intention goes.  Some people like that stuff though.  Not me particularly.

Anyway, so yeah.  Movie, “loosely” based off comic – that crazy bullshit with the weavers was NOT in the comics.  In the comics the plot was relatively simple: the bad guys/evil super villains won.  All super/bat/wonder-person types are dead, raped, tortured, incapacitated or all of the above.  Villains are the world shadow government and they can do whatever they want.  The plot is basically a new villain getting drafted into a turf war, that’s the basics.

So yeah, movie is nothing like that.  Some crazy made up shit about codes hidden in wool.  Seriously.

It’s basically a big frame up for a few neat action scenes and for Angelina pretending she’s sexy.  Which I don’t think she is…she’s too thin, and now her head looks really large, because of said thinness.  If you’re into that kind of thing it’s probably just easier to pick up a coatrack at a garage sale somewhere and go to town on it.

Oh, yeah, so the craziest thing about it, the thing that made me do a double-plot-take was that, ok so [SPOILER] he finds out the whole thing is a set up, and one guy is responsible for duping everyone else.  Remember this: one guy is responsible for the badness, no one else knows.  So he goes after that one guy by…killing everyone else. All kinds of innocents and/or people he has broken bread with.  I  guess it’s supposed to be a sign of how badass he is or something but it just rang really false and stupid.

The random ultra-violence in the scene where he is shooting through a guy’s head (as in, holding the body up, keeping his hand in its skull and firing out of it while using the body for a shield) was unneeded too.

Oh, and yes anyone can transfer money into your bank account, but transferring it back out without your involvement is a bit more difficult.  Especially when hacking wasn’t presented anywhere before this in the movie, or even mentioned afterwards.  Huh?

Anyway, there are all kinds of wacky plot wack-a-moles in here.  But you weren’t expecting high art when you decided to watch this were you?

TWO STARS (out of 5)

[EDIT:

I forgot, the "bending bullets" thing was DUMB DUMB DUMB.  The main guy & his dad were the only ones who could do it in the comic...they must have just thought it would make a good visual (which it did) and then WENT FUCKING APESHIT NUTS OVERBOARD with it.]

It took me about a week to watch it – I took a break at the Joker-in-jail scene because it was getting to be too much.

Sure, the acting, the special effects, the scenery, props, casting (except for someone with a really old face) was great.  But the story?  Meh.  I had to force myself to watch the end of it.  Nevermind that the plot was pretty formulaic – especially if you’re a comic reader (and I imagine even if you’re not) – as “wacky and twist-turny” as it was, it was still very predictable.  NOW, here’s the thing – I don’t need to be surprised by movies, not at all.  But what annoys me is when movies try really hard to surprise you again and again.  That gets old.

All that aside, I think the main thing was just the Joker – he was way too much.  Overboard.  Seriously people?  Seriously?  He was like, super-genius beyond genius in this flick.  And he just appeared out of nowhere – a blank slate smarter and much more prepared than Batman.  This movie should have been called “Batman loses” – because that’s what happened.  The Joker got exactly what he wanted, pretty much to the letter, and all Batman got was…uh…what did he get?  I have no idea.  (Yes yes I get how it functions as a mythos builder and how Batman needs this to learn, and how Joker is the counter insane to Batman’s sane-beyond-insane blah blah).

Oh, and the bit at the end where Batman decides the murders have to be pinned on him.  SERIOUSLY?  That was the only plot option you could find?  REALLY?  Because just saying the Joker did it…or that they were other random unsolved cases wouldn’t fly in a Gotham RAMPANT with random murder and corruption?  You really think anyone would have thought twice if Gordon said that the Joker was behind these other killings?

SemiPro is showcasing Wil Ferrel’s declining career.  There’s really only so many times you can play the same character without just doing Anchorman 2 (which might actually be good!).  That being said, there were some funny parts.  I’ve already forgotten them though, so they must not have been that memorable.

Jack Black…eh, he’s just not that funny, at least in the last few movies I’ve seen him in.  I know he must have done something funny at some point, but I can’t remember what.

It was interesting to see Mos playing someone stupid.  Not as stupid as Jack Black’s character, but still pretty low on the Brain Team’s pick list. In general, it’s tough to play stupid without it coming off as retarded (Jack Black’s character for example) or obviously fake stupid, but he pulls it off.