Or this one:

Or even Wolverine Origins #14 or Wolverine: Weapon X V1 #14 OR Wolverine: Weapon X V2 #14!  None of those.  I’m talking about the most recent one (V3 I think… maybe V4 depending on how you count), this bad boy:

OK, now that that is clear.  On to the drama.  Just when you think a comic book character’s life absolutely could not get any more fucked up well – you were wrong!  OF COURSE.  Not that that was me, nope.  I was like, “totally, his life is always going to get worse.”

<.<

Anyway.  So.  SPOILERS SPOILER SPOILERS BLAAAALERS.  You have been warned.

Where was I?  Oh, right, at “so.”  SO, in this latest volume of the adventures of our favorite Canadian with claws (as opposed to Sasquatch, Wild Child (Is he Canadian?), or maybe Puck with some mean press-ons) – well, for the first half (issue 1-6 or 1-7ish), Wolverine gets sent to Hell (with caps, although where it falls in the Marvel pantheon of underverses wasn’t quite clear to me, or maybe it was and I’ve forgotten) and some demon takes over his body and tries to do horrible things to people he cares about.  Typical, right?  Pretty much.  Of course he escapes eventually (right before the X-Men are about to put him down!  Because Cyclops has a Backup Plan – not at all like the Xavier Protocols from a decade or two ago that caused so much drama) but – dun dun – that was the plan all along!  Send him to Hell (just because), then let him escape, then the real revenge starts!

Because the second arc is the “dun dun” part.   In which we learn that the crazy villains plot against him are just a bunch of normal people (well, as normal as you can be in the Marvel Universe) with a pretty understandable axe to grind: Wolverine killed someone dear to them.  Maybe it was intentional, maybe it was accidental, maybe they didn’t understand that the person he killed deserved it, or maybe they didn’t (lot’s of periods where Wolverine is brain washed…) – the point is just that they have all had their lives horribly impacted by Wolverine doing what he does best (aside from multi-tasking).

So, that’s… mildly interesting, right?  It’s been done before, I’m certain, I just can’t remember the specifics.  So, all this happens and Wolverine fights through a bunch of random hired goons to get to the “evil masterminds” only to discover that they have all committed suicide to deny him the revenge he craves (or so they think).  He doesn’t seem to mind so much that they did so, he’s just happy they are dead.  He wants them dead so badly, of course, because of the terrible things the demon running around with his skin on did in his absence, ostensibly at their beck (but not call, demon’s don’t do phones).   Which was part of their plan!  Enrage him!  Then deny him his revenge!

Oh, but there’s one other thing… they also let him know (via a movie playing when he finds their bodies) that all the cannon fodderfolks  he had to fight through to get to them were…. wait for it…

His children!

DUN DUN.

[Note: This is actually a pretty decent explanation as to why we've only ever seen one Wolverine-spawn - this little group has been snapping them all up, at least for the last 40 years or so.]

[Note2: What makes zero sense is how none of them had a healing factor or claws of any sort.]

Yeah, so that’s why he looks so sad on the cover.  I mean, that would seriously fuck someone up, right?  Especially someone who won’t let people kill Daken – who so obviously needs to be put down, right?  So one would expect him to be even more protective of a bunch of regular human kids.

My question is: Will any of this actually matter?  Will this change the way Wolverine goes about his business?

My guess: Of course not, silly!

The coming solicits make it sound like it will but, realistically… they ain’t kidding no one.   X-Force is solicited as continuing… as are his other 2 or 3 titles, which I’m sure will have pleennnnty of killing.  What’s he gonna do, research the people he kills before and after?   That seems like the easiest solution (and maybe the intended lesson here:  “Your killings have consequences – even fodder kills!”)… send some money (I’m sure he’s got a ton) & condolences to the families at least… maybe try and keep track of all the women you sleep with (since he prrrrrobably won’t stay fixed) to try and keep the kid thing from happening again.  Or kill yourself.

This has been brought to you by the entity that monitors the random comic things that eat up my brain space.

X-Force to end and relaunch.  Sounds like “Wolverine’s X-Men” meets Secret Warriors.  Teaser image below.

The guy on the right looks clearly to be Fantomex, it’s suggested in the article that Wolverine is the only returning member (and also, that Angel might be one of the last people they would want on the team), so the “winged” person is NOT Angel so… Cloak maybe?  I’m thinking it’s a cloak specifically drawn to look like wings to mess with us.  I mean, in an ideal world it would be Mimic….   And two people with swords. So, Psylocke for sure I’d say – probably the figure in the front.  It looks like bottom left has two swords… which leaves us with Deadpool. UGH. UGH. UGH.  Please no.  What other X-Men have the sword-ninja thing going on?  Honestly I can’t even remember.

X-23 gets her own book.  The artists for the interiors of last month’s one shot was terrible.  If it’s someone who can actually draw something that will interest me, I’ll pick up the first issue – but that will probably be the only Wolverine-”mini-universe” book I touch.  And only because I like Liu’s take on her.

Wolverine’s “real” kid also gets his own book.  Oh, what?  He already had his own book?  Indeed.  It’s just a relaunch for the #1 sales boostCalled Daken: Dark Wolverine or something.  Horrible title, but they had to keep the Wolverine in there to make people care enough to pick it up I guess.  Don’t get me wrong, Liu has done a good job writing Dark Wolverine so far… I just couldn’t care less for the character.

There will be a 3rd (4th? 5th?) “core” X-Men book,  called plain old “X-men” again.  Is that volume 3?  The first arc is billed as “mutants vs. vampires“. Before and after O.O:

Gambit and Rogue together again huh? BLEH.  Interesting to see Rogue in two titles…or will Legacy be forced to shift focus again?  That would be a shame, as Carey has really done a great job of making Rogue actually interesting and not lame anymore.  Oh, and Nate grey looks like an old ass Elvis in the above! Plus… Nate has too much power for a team.  Just sayin.

PS: Mark Millar is, in addition to his other redeeming characteristics, a big whiner.  Oh no!   Someone else at Marvel is using vampires in their books!  The sky is falling!   Nevermind that whole long running MI13 vampire arc… obviously everyone is out to steal Mr. Millar’s high quality “work”.

New ongoing X-Men series scorecard:

Uncanny: 0
Legacy: 0
New Mutants: 0
X-Force: -1
Cable: -1
Wolverine: Origins: -1
Wolverine: Weapon X: -1

“New” X-Force: +1
X-Men v3: +1
Daken: +1
X-23: +1
Wolverine: +1

Grand total: 8 ongoing x-books, including 3 Wolverine-related books, for a gain of +1.  I’m much more pleased with 3 Wolverine-related books than I would be if it were 3 actual Wolverine books (also, he’s still appearing in New Avengers too, so it’s not like he’ll be in less than 4 books a month).  They HAVE to make these books all about the characters… because really we’re just looking at 3 people with the same powers (although different #s of claws o.o).  It’s a challenging situation and I fully expect either Daken or X-23 to fold by issue 13.

Oh, and it looks like Cable is dead. Or at least off the table again.  And I’m not seeing Nightcrawler anywhere…  It’s a shame that’s probably not him (back to his old, two swords “swashbuckling” gear) in the X-Force teaser up there.  BUT WOULDN’T THAT BE AWESOME IF IT WAS? That squiggly thing that I thought was a random ninja ribbon (ninja frequently have random ribbons on their costumes so they can trail in the wind when they hop around) could be his tail.   That would certainly be a stellar follow-up on the seeds planted in last couple weeks.  Not to mention Nightcrawler as the team’s conscience.  Wow.  That would actually be really cool.  So cool that I hope they’ve already thought of it.

Which would mean who dies…. Iceman?  Well, at least he has a built in resurrection clause.

Since I wasn’t buying Cable or any of the Wolverine books (I have was getting Origins in trade due to the whole intentionally finite length of the story but man it’s just kinda bleh, so I may not get them all unless it wraps up smartly) this means I’ll be adding a book to my list.  Oh, wait – almost forgot, I’m dropping X-Men Forever.  Sweet.  The first volume is ending next month or so, and I don’t think I’ll get the second.    It was entertaining but… meh.  Maybe if the art were better.

I may just drop the entire Avengers line though… not that I don’t enjoy them, but picking up two entire lines is just a bit much.  Still, there is some interesting stuff coming up in the Avengers line.  Nova will be in the spyvengers.  Funky, I know.  That same title has Black Widow though, and she’s always annoyed me so.  Oh, it also has Beast!  Tempting.

And, the much expected Avengers Academy will finally arrive… with Justice,  Speedball (no longer Penance), Wasp, Tigra & Quicksilver as instructors.  Looks like it will get the carry over plots from both Mighty & Initiative.  Mighty was running out of steam, so hopefully this will be what those arcs needed.  Then there’s Amadeus Cho’s solo (!) book.  Pak’s Hercules run was fucking brilliant, and I love Cho as a character sooo…. yeah, there’s another one I’ll be getting.

It looks like it will be a good year for Marvel books.

I mean, it’s not like their suddenly going to kill a little girl for shock-effect right?  Yes, I AM looking at you Justice League: Cry for a Longer Title and better writing.

I mean.  Making Banner and She-hulk into inbred hillbillies… what’s Millar’s thing with inbred hillbillies anyway?  (Remember the killer pony inbred hillbilly from Authority?  …it’s basically the same thing here, except easily killed by Wolverine, and dozens of them).

I really was trying to humor Millar this time.  But Hulk & She-Hulk fucking is just too obnoxious for words – how did this get through editorial? Isn’t this bullshit what his creator owned books are for?

Once upon a time, a great creative team made Jean Grey interesting as the Phoenix, then killed her, ending that arc wonderfully.  Then Marvel thought it would be fun to do again, and again, and again.  Each time it is less interesting, and more likely to make me not buy whatever book is involved in it.

Once upon a time, a great creative team (or three) brought Emma Frost through a wonderful character arc, ending in marriage to Cyclops, after various struggles with non-heroic tendencies.  Now, Marvel appears to be starting that cycle over.  And each time I see this arc continued, I’m less and less likely to want to buy issues with her in it.

Oh, I also find it hilarious that the one person to get the best of Norman Osborn so far is Aurora.  Aurora.  WIN.

Blackest Night: Titans 01 – I’m sensing a pattern of bringing back un”valuable” characters only to kill them and resurrect them as Black Lanterns (Hawkman/woman, Aqualad guy, and now Hawk) in a vain attempt to ratchet up the drama.  *Yawn*

X-Force 18 : Wow, armless huh?  That’s pretty graphic, even for an x-book. I am pleased that all the almost-dead ex-New Mutants/X-kids from this issue are still alive though.  Kind of a miracle there.  And Necrosha is ticking away in the background… not horrible, not great, but decent.

New Mutants 4: Not stellar, but getting better at least (Sunspot coming on to Amara though??  Aren’t they all like brothers & sisters by now?).  I fail to see why Sam would try and send Dani away though – they’ve been through enough that he would know better.  Besides, Legion was obviously after her for one reason or another, and he can probably teleport….sooo…yeah.

Dark Wolverine 77: Yes, the “dark”-ness is dumb, but whatever.  They’re at least going out of their way to make Daken a character in his own right, which I do appreciate.  Not really my thing though.  Sadly I’m hooked into Marvel to follow certain characters, most of the new ones (especially Wolverine clones) just don’t do it for me.

Justice League of America 36: Wow, when has Vixen looked this ugly?  These issues just feel like filler to me, or like it should be a separate series or something.  Look, I’m not knocking Len Wein…but the story he’s writing does not feel like a good fit for the current run of this book at all.  Plus, the art is periodically horrible.

Wolverine Origins 39: Ok but, umm, Romulus’ 4th claw is really dumb, not to mention impractical and useless (looking).  Sorry Rommy, you have the least cool claws, goodbye!

Wonder Woman 35: Uh, this is the first “good” issue of Wonder Woman I can recall flipping through.  The whole arena/fight club bit is kind of silly but the Pele/whatshisname/Wonder Woman alliance arc is actually really interesting.

Dark Avengers 08: Decently interesting, mostly because it focuses on the X-Men.  Hah!  So I guess Emma wasn’t a traitor…this may counter my comment on Dark X-Men above, we’ll see.  I didn’t see Xavier in the pile of people rescued though, interesting.  Is this the first step in the Cabal’s breakup (finally!) with the only two ostensibly “good” characters defecting back to the angels?  It couldn’t be soon enough.

Avengers Initiative 27: Stellar story here.  It really shines in how much is crammed into one issue without making anything feel rushed. Reading the first “section” I was like “arrghhh is this gonna be the whole issue?”  But then, it wasn’t, and it worked just fine for what it was.  Not to mention that they quoted my favorite Petty song AND a classic Springsteen song…big points there.  The (non-Dark) Avengers books continue to swing for the bleachers.

Woah.  All four “Hulk” titles came out today.  … Little bit odd there Marvel shipping folks.

Hulk 14: If only I wasn’t so morbidly fascinated with waiting for this train wreck to end…yes I keep tuning in, no it doesn’t suck yet.  Nevermind that you get Domino acting horribly out of character, quailing and getting all  obsequious towards RapingHulk, or Wolverine telling X-Force to “Kill everyone” (including Electra, whom he just saved, and the Punisher, with whom he’s worked before).  Wait, no on second thought don’t forget either of those things – they’re just more examples of a what an ignorant writer Loeb is.

Son of Hulk 14: I still don’t get how this other kid is a Hulkchild too.  I mean, Caiera wasn’t even pregnant with him.  Huh?

Incredible Hercules 133: The origin of Amadeus Cho commences.  A little slower than the previous year or so of stories, but hey it’s only the start.  This is one book I’m torn about not buying every time I see it.  Bottom line, Pak is just a damn good writer.

So good in fact that two titles he wrote came out today!  Incredible Hulk 601 was also pretty decent.  We get to see Bruce using his brain (I wonder where he ranks in the “smartest person on Earth” thing that Amadeus is #7 on…I mean Richards must be in the top 3, Doom and Pym probably up there too…), which is nice for a change.  He says flat out that the Hulk will be back eventually (which makes me think, maybe not for a while :P), and now he’s helping his “son” train to kill the Hulk/him.  If only he could kill the Raping Hulk instead… well, there’s another big Hulk-over coming in a few months, so I have a feeling he’ll be back for that.  Who knows though, Pak’s got balls, so a Hulk-less Hulk-over… I wouldn’t put it past him.  Besides, they just imported a 2nd She-Hulk, and there’s a third (red…) one coming in another month or two.  Not to mention A-Bomb & Hulk’s 2 (!?) kids…so there’s Hulk-oids aplenty, we can get by without old green skin for a while.

Iron Fist 27: Yes, Danny Rand/Iron Fist will also be a father soon, following in his perennial buddy, Luke Cage/Power Man’s footsteps.  Also of note, and implied by my goofy title, is that the mother of said child (and soon to be wife of Danny) is Misty Knight.  Now.  This is comics.  So her or the baby could go kaput or turn into an alien at any time, for no good reason BUT, luckily no one else seems to care about writing Misty at the moment – so I think they are safe!

Also, this was the final issue of Immortal Fist.  Such a shame, it’s been a great series so far and deserved more than it got (much like Captain Britain & MI13).

X-Factor 45: Answers a question asked by only the most diligent fanfolk (ok, that’s still a lot): were Rictor and Shatterstar together?  Beyond that, the ongoing arcs continue in interesting ways, and things start to come together.

Astonishing X-Men 30:  Something happened here. Forge “died” I think, in a really strange and silly ending that I don’t think anyone saw coming to a story that started looking like something out of 90s Claremont’s and wound up 90s Ennis.  Not bad, but not particularly good, and I think Ellis can do better.

Apparently the entire point of Avengers-Invanders was to resurrect Toro, who no one cares about.  Or the original Human Torch, one of them.  DUMB.  Leading into the new Human Torch mini coming out later this year I’m sure.  The ending was rather horrid – but how else are you going to end a story where the bad guy is omnipotent?

Whatever the current Messiah Mini Event is finally ended a recent issue of X-Force or Cable.  It was actually decent, except that in the end it didn’t mean anything.  Except that Dom killed Kiden in the future.  That’s basically it.  Fun.  Curious to see how X-F will pick up the pieces of Boom-Boom now though.  Shame, she was wonderful with the right writers.  Go NEXTWAVE!

A bunch of Dark Reign minis came out.  They’re all pretty stupid.  The Lethal Legion thing may stir up some interest with the Wonder Man in jail angle though… that last panel was a little creepy.

Daken has taken over Wolverine‘s title, which is good because there was too damn much of one Wolverine – thankfully now we have 3 separate Wolverine’s to spread around.  !?

Now Wolverine’s “main” book is the Weapon X one – doing stuff that would have been in the normal Wolverine book so uh, whatever.  !?

Guardians of the Galaxy 15 was good and ended pretty much the only way it could (on the War of Kings angle), although still somewhat surprisingly.  And I hear the “old” Guardians are returning… that actually makes me very vary.  I think I’ll drop the book if it becomes about them.  Their time is over.  Vance I can take, but the others… meh, they work in the future, not in the past.  For me anyway.

I skimmed through Transformers: All Hail Megatron – it seems pretty decently written, if you’ve got a Transformers itch that the movie just didn’t scratch (which is understandable, as it was mostly trying to scratch your scrotum).

panel from Uncanny X-Men #509

That’s Lady Deathstrike. With 8 claw penises piercing Wolvy from behind. Uh hu.  It looks like he might be kind of enjoying it though.

SERIOUSLY.  Does every face Greg Land traces have to come from porn??? Every single one?

And why is she straddling him?  She wouldn’t even have the leverage to dig her claws in like that would she?  So why…oh RIGHT. Because he TRACED SOME PORN.  Then added claws.

Oh. And she’s talking while licking him, or something.  Somehow I’m sure that was Greg’s idea, and not in the writer’s script: “Lady Deathstrike viciously impales Wolverine from behind with her claws, while straddling him like a horny teenager and managing to say something while licking his shoulder.”  Yeah.  Quality plotting there.

Look, I can see how some people might thing his stuff is “pretty” – but it’s a fucking mirage!   Look closer!  It’s like a porn star with lots of plastic surgery and makeup – you might not notice how beastly they are when all you see is the back of their head as they are getting slammed or something…but then, when the cameraman accidentally leaves the focus on their face for too long – when it’s not in motion – you get a little sick in your mouth…or so I’m told.

Yeah, it’s like that.

[UPDATE: Found an awesome link with tons of his tracings.]

What’s better than Wolverine?  Wolverine with Admantium (TM) claws!

What’s better than that? A younger, hipper, more violent/troubled/sexy Wolverine with claws made of the metal of the most powerful/magical sword in the Marvel Universe (sort of, not counting the Soulsword and whatever any other random author wants to be the top blade)!

Not my opinion of course, but I suspect it must have been someone’s opinion.  Probably Daniel Way’s….

So yeah.  Back to my subject line point.

Looks like Daken’s gonna get the Murasama (sp?) blade, and then coat his bones/claws in it.  Because that’s just how he rolls.  Nevermind that he problably wouldn’t have the tech/magic knowledge to do that *cough*.  But yeah, prrooooobably going to happen, and it looks like it’s been the plan since the beginning.

What would be the point in making someone who’s entire point is to kill Wolverine?  Well, I expect to actually “kill” (comic book “kill”) Wolverine.  He hasn’t actually died yet (not counting Fall of the Mutants, or that other time when he recently died and fought spirit death guy and learned why he doesn’t ever die *coughDUMBSTUPIDcough*).  Err, I mean he hasn’t actually died and had it be an “event” like the Batman/Cap/Superman deaths yet.  And Marvel had the balls to kill off Cap – not their #1 money maker like Wolvie is, but still one of the main symbols of the line.

ANYWAY, end rant tangeant.

Points:
*Marvel has shown balls and willingness to really shake stuff up lately.
*Daken is taking over the main Wolverine title.
*Wolverine Origins isn’t really giving us much at all about the  origin of Wolverine…what it IS giving us though is the story points breakdown of Daken’s origin.  HMmmmmm.
*Oh, and Daken’s gearing up to coat his bones & blades in the one weapon that can really kill Wolverine.  Or whatever, they take immortality way too much for granted these days (except in that recent Wolverine limited series where he was beat up by a bunch of kung fu chumps. MM kay.)

Anyway. Maybe it won’t happen, maybe it will. I don’t much care as I don’t buy the Wolverine books anymore (I pick up Origins in the trades in the hopes that it will actuall tell a complete Origin story when finished *sigh*), nor would I buy X-Men if Daken joined – that shark has left the building!

Oh.  The issue.  What happened?  Uhh.  James/Mac/Guardian Hudson is Wolverine’s second cousin or something.  And Daken’s gonna get him some magic claws, and whoop on the X-Men in the process.

Especially the ending.  It was a lot like all those cheesy movies with the one white guy who becomes the kung fu master without ever learning how to properly pronounce “kung fu” (although I’m sure Wolverine could at least do that)  – and does 95% of their learning in montages and flashbacks.

LAME!

And the resolution was extra taco sauce on top of a crapsadilla.

I wonder if this HUGE new chunk of Wolverbaggage will be addressed in any of the 5?6? series he is appearing in other than the one this writer will be writing (yes, Wolverine is getting a 4th solo title – more than Superman & Batman! – although the main one will technically be a Daken title for a while.  Which doesn’t matter, because he’s just more Wolverine/attempt to cash in).

Lets recount.

Solo:

Dark Wolverine! (Daken)
Wolverine: First Class
Wolverine Origins
Wolverine: Weapon X (or something like that I forget)
+at least 1 ltd series at any given time

Team:

Uncanny X-Men
Astonishing X_men
X-Force (with X-23: Wolverine x2 !)
New Avengers
Dark Avengers (Daken)

I’m sure I missed something.  Maybe he’ll work his way into Guardians of the Galaxy too….Seriously. I love Wolverine – but any love is bounded by sanity.

Sanity motherfuckers.  Which knows restraint.

What’s the reason for reading this though?  I guess it’s just like any other Marvel What If? story – everything ends horribly if the characters do anything that veers from the as-written path.  Although Millar said this somehow IS continuity I think, and ties in with his FF & Marvel 1986 runs (which would mean that reality warping/transporting guy)…so we’ll see.

Not worth buying imho, although the art is  good.  If you like seeing a bunch of dead villains & X-men.  The last page has “wacky Millar gimmick” written all over it.

I guess I’m curious how it ends…but mainly because I just want know the point of all this is.  Why bother telling such a long story with no potential pay-off (other than him possibly killing a bunch of bad guys, which may or may not happen, and really doesn’t matter in much sense because all the good guys are already dead).

Stupid.

Ultimate X-Men 93 – Umm. OK. Sure, whatever. Things are reset almost to ground zero – the professor’s legs are broken again?? What the fucking hell? Did Kirkman un-break them then re-break just to be like the classic run? All that changed was that we’ve got a weird guy with 2 heads hanging out with the main “team” now. Whatever.

Exiles 6 – God, this penciller is bugging the hell out of me. Please let this be his last issue. Plot was kinda lax/fast moving and it looks like it just served to introduce another very generic badass that The InvisEvil Woman will add to her crew. Chris, I know you can do better. The bits with “Kat” are about the only interesting ones.

Captain Britain & MI13 1 - Great first issue, will definitely be getting this one.

Secret Invasion: FF – I’ve been wondering where the heck Lyja went for quite a while, so seeing her is at least good news. But I’m not buying this evil Lyja bit, hopefully that wraps/un-wraps itself. Was I the only person that liked her?

X-Men Legacy 211 – For the first time in years, I was forced to actually look up an obscure x-character, and still didn’t know who he was until I saw the picture (Hazard). Good show Mike, good show. The plot seems to be picking up – not that I was complaining before – but Mike’s actually managed to make Prof. X interesting to me again. Looking forward to the Juggernaut appearance and hoping it’s keeping with his recent Austen->Claremont characterization.

Clandestine 4 – I may pick this up in the trades if it finishes strongly – there are a lot of disparate plot elements and it’s going to depend on how they come together. Alan Davis’ pencils are gorgeous of course.